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Feeling depressed/Alone

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hi guys. i know my story may not be as bad as yours. i may not be as sad as you all. but i really want to share my story since i haven’t been able to with anyone yet because i just simply don’t have anyone to talk to... anyways this started when i was 12 years old. i noticed one summer that my friend was rapidly losing weight and refusing a lot of food. i somehow wasn’t concerned until the day she told me she was in the hospital, but didn’t tell me why. i asked my mom but she wouldn’t tell me because she was afraid i wouldnt be able to handle it. which was correct, when she finally told me my best friend had anorexia i just sat there in silence. i went to school and was the saddest i had ever been in my whole life (at the time). i was crying in the middle of every class. i wouldn’t talk to anyone. after school i went home and cried. i visited her in the hospital a few times. that was nice. except it was really hard knowing she didn’t think i knew why she was here. i saw her hooked up to all the tubes and it was horrifying. i started to blame myself for her being in the hospital. “i should’ve noticed” “i’m her best friend, how did i miss that? i’m so stupid” “it’s all my fault, i should’ve said something. then she’d be okay”. every time i pass by the hospital now i just go numb and have flashbacks of walking through the halls, or seeing her in the hospital bed. fast forward to my 13th birthday, november 2019. i. was. so. depressed. i hâte my birthday. it reminds me of me being born, which i wish never happened. i went to the mall with my mom and i got airpods. i was still sad. she bought me chocolates. i was still sad. i was slouched in my car seat staring at my own feet, on the verge of tears for the car ride to the restaurant i wanted to goto. when we arrived, i learned my best friend didnt want to come to the restaraunt because she was nervous about eating in front of everyone, which i now understand. but i was so upset. i was crying because i really wanted to see her. that was the worst birthday dinner of my life. the car ride home was the the same as the car ride there.... depressing. went home and cried for hours. fast forward to the end of the month. i started looking at my body in ways i never had. i began hating it. i began comparing myself to others. i was 98lbs at 13. i felt SO OVERWEIGHT. so on the 2nd of december i began restricting. wouldn’t eat anything except dinner. this is still going on. except now i’ve learned to purge, so ill eat a little bit more than i used to cause then i just barf it up. and i’m managing to keep getting sadder and sadder, inching closer and closer to suicide. recently started to self harm. i have a pre written suicide note it my phone notes. 😞 it just sucks because i used to be happy. i used to be able to go to sleep without crying. i used to not have bags under my eyes. i used to be able to eat without feeling guilty and/or purging. it just sucks. anyways i doubt anyone actually read this all but yeah thanks for letting me vent and i know my story isn’t as bad as others but i just really need help :( bye


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