self harm

I used to sh and was suicidal. I was on meds for a while for adhd, chronic and persistent depression. I just came off my meds begining of summer and now I’m spiraling downwards again. No one told me being happy was hard. I just recently started getting thoughts of sh and it scares me. I feel I need therapy and meds again but hate the idea of it. I feel weak for not accepting help and receiveing it. It’s like I can’t win