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self harm

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When I was in grade 4, I was really lonely. Having just moved to Canada 2 years before and changing to French Immersion the less than 6 months before, I didn't have many friends. My only 2 friends had left me behind. One moved away, the other made new friends and let them bully to me.

That started my insecurities, though I didn't start self harm till grade 6. One day when I was crying so hard I couldn't breath, I picked up a razor and cut my wrist. Not so deep, but deep enough that it bled a lot. After that, I kept on doing it. I fell into a sort of habitual depression; I starved myself; I slept too much. I didn't talk to my friends. I basically ruined all my relationships, and didn't make any contact with my family. I lost the will to live. But nobody really noticed, because I was labeled as anti-social although I was shy.

A couple months passed and in the grade 7, during quarantine, my mom found out about my self harming scars.

She found out, but didn't do anything. She instead told me to stop because, and I quote, "If you commit suicide, you're going to hell."

I didn't try anything for a couple weeks and then I started again. But then my sister found out and she made me promise to stop, because she said she'd never be the same if I died. But I started again. My dad found out and told me to stop, because, "God could fix everything."

Yesterday, I had another mental breakdown and my 9 year old brother found me in the kitchen, crying my eyes out because I felt numb, and I didn't know why. I never wanted him to see me like that.

My dad told me that I should stop doing this thing where I get all gloomy, because one day, I'll so happy and hyper, and then, the next, I'll be depressed. As if it's a choice. He also told me that I don't have anything to be depressed about because I'm just a kid, and that real Christians didn't have depression because, "The Bible fixes every sickness."

I don't know what to do or what's going on, because everyone is scaring me. My sister said I might have Bipolar Disorder and I don't want to self diagnose.

I've not stopped self harm and I still deal with anorexia, and my mental health gets worse everyday up to be point where I want to die.

And I'm not even in high-school.


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