The first time I did drugs was the summer before 8th grade. I got a bunch of oxycodone from a surgery I had had earlier that year, so I just doubled my prescription, got super dizzy and nauseous, and stared at the wall for 4 hours. It was the best I've ever felt. As someone who has manic depression and a very addictive personality, drugs and alcohol are kind of a scary mix. When you have such a loud inner monologue, and everything is so much all of the time constantly for your entire life, drugs make everything quiet for a bit. I've never experienced anything like it. Because I've never felt real happiness, that high is kind of everything I've ever wanted. When everything has been so painful for so long, finding an alleviation; feeling that euphoria; how could I resist? I wish I could be high all of the time. I know it's destructive and addictive, but maybe that's part of the point as well. I spent probably the rest of that first summer and October of this year, and maybe this summer too getting high all the time and hoping that maybe I'll just die. Maybe it's my out in a way? I don't know. I know how to self-regulate (mostly) and I don't even really know if I have a problem. But I definitely love it to a degree that personally scares me. I don't want to lose everything to this. but I don't know.