i'll never understand how or why i'm so infatuated with this person. i like to blame it on the fact that it's because he was the first person thats ever mutually liked me and cared for me but i don't know anymore. i ruined the relationship, i ended it. we stayed friends, i still love him, we're cool. very close. but i cant help but feel replaced when he slowly stops texting me and calls me less because of someone else. i already have a horrible history of someone i like liking one of my friends or dropping me for them but then again i started this. i broke up with him. but it still hurts so bad. i feel like crying is futile but i cant help myself. i feel like i'm not enough. i'm so easily replaceable and i have no real friends that view our friendship the way i see it. i think i'm an acquaintance to everyone i know. we use instagram to text a lot but i recently deactivated all of mine to see if that would make me feel better. instead it brought up a whole new thing of him not caring for me. or anyone for that matter. it's been a couple weeks and no one has noticed. no one has reached out to me at all. and it hurts so fucking bad, i just wish i could disappear forever. i'm so tired of not being anything in anyones eyes; i'm so tired of being there for people and them not being there for me; i'm so tired of doing the most to get basic attention. i hate loving people i hate knowing people i hate living everything is so stupid i don't even know why i made this it's so embarrassing god
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