I was only left with her and I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if I can go on. I’m not suicidal. I hope I’m not. I don’t know. I have some friends but they hate on mean. I can’t believe this. My mom wants to take me to a therapist and she’s drunk and she tells me she loves me but now I don’t know. She threw a glass at me because she was drunk and now she might get deported. I have thoughts in my mind telling me to just stop overthinking it and it’s better to die. I know it’s not. I’m sorry. I changed and I’ve done so many bad things. I cared for so many people I shouldn’t. My mom told me to talk to someone you know deals with issues and you think can help you. I can’t talk to no 1. I’m telling you because you don’t know me. My brother was in a gang and passed away 4 days ago due to an overdose. I’m only 18 and my parents and everyone else says “it’s just a phase you’ll get over it” but the problem is me. I can’t with myself. I hate myself so bad I blame everything on me. I trust in god plans but I feel like he ain’t got plans for me. I’m such a weird person. I get so so so jealous when people say they love me because I wish I could just love myself the way they say they love me and I find in incredibly impossible to like or love me. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but there’s a lot on my mind. I can’t go 1 day without crying myself to sleep. I don’t cut it do anything to hurt myself. My mom told me just trust in gods plans and that he has better things for me and it’s just makes me so mad in the inside because she leaves me. She plays with me and messes with mind. She calls to say she needs me and loves me but I know it’s because she wants money. I can’t do anything about it but try to calm down listening to music. But it doesn’t help knowing I can’t do anything. I just wish so bad I could restart my life again. I don’t know if feeling broken is part of gods plans for me. I don’t understand. People are telling me I’ll never make it and I’m just very ill and I need someone to talk to. But I don’t want any help but I want some but I don’t. I’m very stupid for that and I know what happening and what I’m doing but oh lord I don’t know. Oh my god. I feel like this is not real. I feel like this is my own world an im trap and it’s me. I feel like I want to die already but I don't know if I'm suicidal. I am alive because people tell me I have a purpose and I'm still trying to search for it but it's hard when I have no support. People think I have the best life just because I have good grades in school. My grades lowered down and people don't believe me when I say "I am kind of sad and feel like I need someone to talk to" but my mom says it's just a phase and I don't know if I should start to believe that. I currently am with my auntie because my mom is trying to cope with the deaths and things that have happened. She thinks it doesn't affect me. She says "All teenagers say that they're depressed nowadays " and I know it's kind of true because I had a friend that faked depression just for attention and I don't know if it's a phase I'm going through. I started off with a very bad childhood. My little brother was shot in front of me and i was too but I survived. My brothers friends had try to rape me and they went to jail. Every time I have tried talking to someone I notice that they try to turn into a competition. Im so sorry. I know im a very difficult person to talk to and understand. Some of these happened recently and also there was a protest near where I live and our car was burned down and my mom was mad she took it out on me and started yelling and cursing at me and I had to go with my auntie. My mom thinks that I lie when I say I need to talk to her cause I don't feel mentally well and she just laughs but now she's changing and taking pills for depression. I understand that loosing 1 of my siblings was very hard for her but also me and I haven't gotten over it but I try my best but I can't and when 1 family member dies I don't feel anything anymore and I just overthink so so much and I breakdown and cry for no reason. I guess. I just try to do things that I like but nothing doesn't work anymore. It's impossible for me to be happy. I was happy even after I got over my step dads death and I did well but then everything started crashing down. I would want my brother to come back as well as my sister but that can't happen. I noticed that I've changed and everybody questions me and I want to tell them so bad. I have OCD and some people think that's the problem and I think that may have something to do with how I feel but it's not even that severe. I have so many unwanted thoughts and think of things that I don't even know. When I went to a therapist they told me I have severe depression and anxiety and that it's starting to physically affect me but I didn't find any help in that so my mom was mad and just told me to be happy but I don't know. I've tried to do things I don't have Interest in and I found music and it's my only comfort place I trust in and it's taking me somewhere and I've made money and my carreer is growing quickly but it's not making me happy. I thought all of this would make me happy and prove my mom wrong but no. My mom just takes a lot of pills and I'm afraid of losing her and she's gotten help but when she comes home it's a while different her. She's been to jail for overdosing and not taking care for herself and it's so much to handle. I know I overthink about everything and question my existence. My therapist told me to think about the good times but I honestly can't find any because of how my childhood is. My therapist tried focusing me but I would notice he would get mad at times because he thought I didn't do what he told me to do to try and cope with things.