I might break something while writing this but that's okay, i need to talk about it. That's the issue with me writing, i keep venting and i don't know how to stop and then im left all emotional. But its my last resource i use to stay alive. When I'm so close i write, i write and i understand my feelings a little bit better, it doesn't help but it puts my energy into something for the time being .
I saw her today, she looked me in my eyes like nothing ever happened. Maybe she even smiled, I couldn't tell because of the mask. She looked at me like I wasn't gripping onto my sweatshirt with all my strength to stop my panic attack. She looked at me like I didn't stop breathing. She looked at me as if she didn't help make my life hell and live hers without tragedy. She looks the same... Same as the time of innocence, same of the time of laughter. Does she know the hell I've went through. The battles she helped put me in mainly with myself. The hatred of myself. I trusted her, all of them. I was betrayed. That street was mine. I was there first, I had a life there and she helped push me out. She helped put my life in shambles, my family's life. Her face is haunting me and it's killing me. that stupid hair. Those stupid eyes. THAT STUPID GIRL. She has a home. When I no longer have one, sure a place to live but not a home, where I'm happy to be, where i feel safe. I feel safe nowhere now. She has her family together and mine is barely holding on and their mission to completely destroy us is still intact, so i may or may not have my family. My life is on the tightrope FOR A YEAR AND A HALF BECAUSE OF HER AND SHE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES LIKE NOTHING. She came off that bus, that bus that I should've been on. In that school, that school which I should be in with my friends, in my halls, and visit my favorite teachers in the morning. How is it fair? It's haunting me, Its hurting me. I can't handle this, this i was not ready for, this i can't face yet but i did for that moment and i was right, i cant handle that. Anyone but them. Anywhere but there,god damn it why. why. why.