it's killing me. after i cried, every time i'd think "i'm never doing that again," because of how empty i felt afterwards. but that's all i want. all i want is to cry. all i NEED is to cry. i do everything in my power, listen to the saddest songs, talk down on myself, think of dead relatives... and yet, my eyes stay dry. i want to feel sad, i want to feel empty, i want to feel something. i feel like i've been stonefaced for too long now. i'm not exactly happy, but i'm not exactly sad. it may be weird that i'm wishing to feel the sad side again, but i can feel myself on the verge of tears. every now and then i just tear up, but it's at the worst times. when i'm around my sisters... always. i won't cry around her. i can't cry around her. or any of my family members. i just won't. i need to cry at night, in my bed. and i know you can't exactly schedule emotions, but i COULD. i did it every day for all of last year. saved every little tear for whenever i wanted, and it worked. sometimes i consider just hugging my mom and crying into her, but i know i never will. it'd probably feel good to cry it out while my mom holds me, but she can't see me cry. neither can i, apparently.