I think I messed up last time I posted this bc I couldn't find my own post, so here it is again...
I'm gonna rant about 4 things. Sorry this is long...
1. I live in a homophobic and transphobic house. My mom has "mixed feelings" about the lgbt community, she calls people "gay" as an insult and uses the F slur. She also doesn't hesitate to say the T slur if I bring it up. Onto my stepdad... He told me, and I quote, he is "the most anti-lgbt person I'll ever meet" he also uses slurs like the F and T slur. This is even more heartbreaking for me now. I identified at a bi cis girl at the time so I didn't really care what he would say if I started dating a woman. But now I realized i'm nonbinary. So he basically is against me all together. I've told my stepdad I was a cis straight female countless times and it hurts so much to say that because I'm in fear of being invalidated. When I came out to my mom about it she looked extremely disappointed in me and I've never brought it up again. I don't know any of my family's views on the lgbt community except for them, so I'm just overall scared. I also am scared to change my birth name since I'll feel bad for my mom. My future haunts me.
2. I'm scared my friends are uncomfortable with it. I came out to them already, they accepted me, thankfully... But I still get misgendered by them and I get too scared to correct them because I don't want to be annoying. I put my pronouns in the bio of my IG and I tell them when ever I change it (I was struggling with my pronouns at the time) and I still don't get called "they/them". Even when we're around each other, and not around people I'm not out to, they deadname me and misgender me. I get it, it's hard to have your friend suddenly come out to you as trans, but, when my ex-bestfriend came out to me, I almost never accidentally misgendered or deadnamed him. I even changed my words for him. If I said smth like "Girl...", not even it being a gendered term for me, I changed it to "Boy..." just so it wouldn't make him dysphoric, If I even did say "she", I changed it so fast, pretending that I didn't even mess up. Sorry if that sounds invalidating to how hard it is for them but... Idk, it just makes me feel as if I will never be seen as who I am, and more like who I used to be. But I know if I don't correct them, I'll probably never be called the correct pronouns or name.
3. I'm starting Freshman year this year. It's a school where (I think) many people believe in God (which I don't), and they may have homophobic and/or transphobic view on others. Which scares me even more. I might just ask people to call me a nickname of my deadname instead of Isuru (name I picked). Until I'm close enough to come out to some students. I thought of saying "Isuru" is a nickname I was given and I really liked it but that doesn't sound believable to me... I just overall don't know anymore.
4. I don't have money for anything. My birthday just passed and nobody has given me any presents or cards that could possibly be money or something that could help me pass as AT LEAST androgynous and not feminine. I only got $10 from one person. I now have $18 in total. I planned on buying a binder myself with birthday money, since I can't ask anyone. But... Obviously,,, that didn't work. It's $30+ for one on gc2b, the company I planned on buying one from, and I wanted one before I went to school. It just makes me sad that it has to be this way. I already struggle with depression and anxiety (i'm diagnosed) and now this? It makes me sad, mad, and conflicted all at the same time.
Can you guys maybe just give me tips or advice? Thank you for listening. I will probably be back. - Isuru.