i wrote about how i was in recovery from an ed... well i guess i lied. i've reached 100lbs and some. my stomach is the biggest it has ever been, and summer is coming. i don't want to have to explain why i'm wearing baggy clothes when it's 90 degrees outside. i don't know what else i can do. there's no talking me out of this. i'm limiting as of right now, and kind of failing because i'm a fat pig. i just eat, eat, eat, and i'm so tired of it. i envy my past self, the one that was able to go days without eating, or at least without eating a lot. i don't even cry about it anymore, i just do it. one thing i won't do, is make myself throw food up. i've convinced myself that i have self-control. i won't be like those girls that post those "my ed recovery" videos on youtube. it won't be a huge mental weight on me. it'll just be some months of no eating or until i'm satisfied and then i move on. i won't need to go to a psych ward or anything, i'll just be able to turn it on and off. i know this because i haven't reached the mental illness of it. if i had, i'd be able to successfully starve myself. i'm an ed failure, which i'm sure is good in the long run, but not right now. i don't WANT an ed or anything, i see how painful and damaging it is, i just want to be able to successfully limit and starve myself.
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