5 years. for 5 years, i've been struggling with my relationship with food. it rolls around every summer when i cant wear baggy clothes and sweaters anymore. "look at your disgusting body, u just sat and ate all year, you fucking lazy pig. lol nvm its fine who cares about your body, you can just work out or start eating healthier or wear certain clothes. but WHY am i not allowed to eat whatever i want and wear whatever i want and look like the girls around me. THEY eat whatever and wear whatever, and they don't look fat like me. why cant i be like them honestly how is this fair? HOW IS THAT FAIR.. if a god is real ur fucking evil for making me look like this. what did i DO to deserve this body. WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL?? I'm just a little unlucky that's all, it looks like a growth hormone deficiency, maybe i can be diagnosed with that and given some hormone pills and my body will... revert... back to normal... that doesn't even sound right. okay its fine honestly i just need to work out and cut down on the junk food. my stomach is FIXABLE, my legs on the other hand... nevermind. who cares about my legs? if my stomach is fixed, my legs will just be a minor inconvenience and who will care about my legs if my waist is skinny right? if i can fix my waist. that huge fucking balloon, and all i do is fucking eat eat eat, is IT THAT HARD TO JUST ... NOT eat??! okay its fine if i work out, maybe ill be fine. nvm, i only worked out for a week and then gave up, plus i would eat light one day, and then eat HEAVY the next. my fatass needs large amounts of food to function. fucking fat ass. you FUCKING FAT ASS look at you. look at that picture of you at the pool, you know you cried begging a higher power to fix that awful fucking body, why are you all happy at the pool now? aw isn't that cute, you're pretending that you don't care about what ur body looks like! imagine being that delusional. how is any of this fair. they can complain about their shoulders or a pimple, but really, who in the world is gonna take one look at ur shoulder and say "wow look at how ugly her body is." sorry, i minimize your problems because i hate myself, can you blame me? self pity and jealousy is very easy, especially when you look like me, like a barrel, like a frog, like a pig. like I'm deformed. but its fine its TOTALLY fair that i look like this after all my efforts and praying and you look like that without even trying. I'm literally 16, I'm supposed be having that "you only have this body once" body, but here we are. actually nvm none of it matters body positivity some people have it worse whatever, i don't care, look if i wear these jeans no one will notice how ugly my body actually is. when mom asks why you're covering your stomach you say, "because i;m cold." yep, that's it. I'm just cold. why am i bringing a jacket when its 85 degrees outside? "just in case i get cold" what do you say when you're shopping for summer clothes? "honestly, i might not get these shorts" "maybe i could wear jeans all summer? i cant get THAT hot" "i hate skinny jeans lol idk they're not my style anymore" "Hmm honestly i don't wanna wear crop tops anymore" how about when people say you should go somewhere public that you would be wearing tight clothes? "i don't wanna go do yoga, cus idk id rather not" or places where you'd be wearing tight clothes AND everyone else can see how fat and lazy you are while working out? "No i don't wanna work out in a public gym, id rather work out on my own at home" that's a good girl! you have now mastered fat girl 101, congrats. this is your life now! you're gonna be fat forever, arent you happy?"
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