first off... if you’re reading this i love you and i’m proud of you for making it through another day! and if you’re sensitive to calorie talk, please click off!! i don’t want to trigger anyone ): <3 stay safe, you deserve it!!
okay so hi 😼😹😀😻🧍♂️ i’ve retyped this three times because i don’t know how to type this short and simple (aka sorry that this is so long i tend to ✨ overshare ✨ my feelings on the internet)
i really don’t want to self diagnose but it’s getting worse. recently i’ve been getting extremely light headed because i’ve been eating so little. i feel exactly how empty my stomach is that i almost vomit by standing up at least twice a week at this point and i get dizzy almost every day. i’ve never gotten that once within the eight months ive been trying to starve myself until these past few weeks. something switched in my brain in the middle of june so now i can only sometimes let myself eat over 300 calories when before i let myself eat 800+ calories. and when i do, i want to scream and cry and just let myself rot. but about twice a week i let myself eat 400-690. (today i let myself eat 829 calories and the other day i had 1400 cals and i don’t feel guilty yet pls be proud of me) and i know what i’m doing is bad and i’m losing a tiny bit of hair and i have realized just how many blue and purple veins are noticeable on my hands and wrists and inner arms n elbows and i get small bruises on my legs every once in a while. my mom has told me three times in the past week that i look very unhealthy and i just laugh because i can’t help it. i don’t want to hurt her but i just can’t stop. i love my mom so so much that i caved and told her about my obsession with my caloric intake and outtake last month when i broke down crying because she offered me a strawberry at 12 am. she’s been trying to get me to eat more but i just don’t want to get help even though i do know what could happen if i continue. i just don’t care. i acknowledge that what i’m doing is bad but i could care less about the condition of body. i am at a healthy weight so i feel like my feelings are invalid even though i know anyone with any weight and any gender and any age can have any type of ed. and i know some people don’t think they have an ed when they do. and i know some people just convince themself that they have one when they don’t. i don’t want to self diagnose AT ALL or sound like a pick me but i feel like something is just wrong with me. and me, as a person, i feel the need to label myself so i want to know if i do have something wrong. so i don’t want to say i have an ed because who knows but i do know that this isn’t normal.
if you read this far, i’m sorry lol and i thank you so much for listening to me ): i needed to put this somewhere and hopefully someone reading this will feel less alone. i believe in you <3