TW: i’ve always had trouble trying to love my body. i was always a little chubby but i was never overweight. i was always the weight that i needed to be. in school i had one friend who weighed much less than me. in my head i would always compare myself to her because i loved the way she looked and i wanted to look like her and be as skinny has her. this one day in school i called myself fat. my 2 other friends told me that that wasn’t true and told me i was pretty skinny. my other friend said “not to be rude or anything but you’re really not skinny.” those words hurt me so bad. even though i agreed with her, it hurt to hear one of my bestfriends say that i wasn’t that skinny. a few days later, i started skipping lunch or packing a bag of pretzels or something small. my friends would always ask me how my mom let me bring that stuff to school and why i didn’t bring actual food to school. the reason she let me do that is because cause she didn’t know i was barely eating food at lunch. on the weekend i would wait til 12 pm to eat my first thing. it would always be apples and peanut butter. then i would wait til dinner to eat again. soon my mom began to notice that i was losing all of this weight. she went to the store to go buy a scale. she made me go on the scale and there i read “93.2 lbs.” just a month or so ago i was 105 lbs. my mom was super mad but i don’t think that she understand stood how I felt about my body and my weight. I STILL wasn’t skinny enough. it’s been a few months now and i have gained 3-4 pounds. my mom threatens me every day telling me she’s going to tell my doctor to send one away. she tells me that i’m too skinny and that i look scary. my family does that as well. ever since i’ve been eating more i’ve been hating my body so much. i’m still not at the weight that i was at before and my mom tells me it’s because i’m not eating enough. but it’s so hard. she doesn’t understand how eating makes me feel. i don’t want to. i don’t wanna gain weight. i want to be as skinny as my friend.
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hi, i know eating can feel like the worst thing in the world right now, and im not going to tell you eating‘ll come as easily as it did before your ED. it never will. but eating disorders almost always end up worse than you anticipated and you’ll always be chasing a figure that doesn’t exist. you don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful. i know what you mean about your mom and threatening you is a shit way to go about it, but i (hope) she just wants what’s best for you. skinny isn’t perfect and if that’s truly all will make you happy, try going about it in a healthy way, like a diet and exercise or somethinf. but not an ED because once you eat normally you’ll just gain weight faster and nothing will have been worth it. recovery is hard and painful and shit but it’s worth it.
i struggle with something very similar. my mom is always forcing me to eat because she wants me to gain weight, but i’m over here wanting the opposite. i know she has good intentions, but she’s making me feel worse about myself. i always compare myself to my best friend and it is so painful to look at her on a daily basis because everyone thinks she is so beautiful but i’m not. sorry i didn’t mean to make that about myself just wanted you to know you’re not alone <3