starting this, I want to say I do not blame anybody but myself for what happened, it's my fault and I have to fix it but please if you have some advice on what to do please tell me. I don't know if I can go on for longer
let's start with some background info, late 2018- early 2020 I believe I have Binge Eating Disorder, I would come to food for comfort when I felt emotional. I was always very sensitive. because of this, I gained some weight and I became insecure about it and lost most of my confidence. Another thing is, I have gorgeous friends, I don't mean this in a bragging way. Let's take my best friend, C. C is beautiful, she is skinny, confident and everyone likes her. I was jealous of her because she could get anybody to talk to her because she was more appealing then me, if you had to choose between me and her, you'd probably chose her. But I never hated her for it, I just wanted to be her, to be my friends. they were able to control how much and when they ate. I could not. Whenever I was with them I would always compare myself to them and I thought everyone was judging me based on them too.
Another thing about me is I used to be obsessed with being friends with everyone and making sure everyone liked me, idk I was psycho. I was friends with a lot of people including these guys. my "breaking point" came in class. I believe it was March 2020. (btw I weighed about 60kg/130 pounds, I am 5'6") we were sitting at a table doing this map for history or geography. we started talking about uniforms and they started laughing and saying stuff like "you in a uniform, haha" at the time I didn't get it but when I came home I realized they were talking about my weight and I just started sobbing. Funny story, I accidentally went on "house party" and one or two of my friends were on and they just heard me BALL. I'm so sorry x and m if you ever find this. That was I guess when I really wanted to lose weight
May 5th, 2020. My mom asked me if I wanted to go on a diet with her, my mom did not ever say or do this out of ill intent, she knew i wanted to lose weight and wanted to help. so she and I started the keto diet (not the best, I know) and during this, I became quite athletic, I would have a lot of energy and so on. I wanted to get down to 50kg/110 lbs. I remember if I was ever close to saying reaching the next kilogram, I would skip breakfast for the day. maybe even lunch some times. even though I was losing weight and my parents were telling me how skinny I was I would never listen because in my head I look exactly the same and it drives me nuts. then the skipping breakfast thing became an every other day thing, then after it was an everyday thing, then I started skipping lunch. I reached 50kg in June or this month, I forgot but I am still not satisfied. I look exactly the same, my parents told me after I reach this goal I have to start eating more but every time I eat so many voices go in my head about my stomach and how I'll go back to normal and how ugly I'll get and how nobody will like me. Today I only ate 4 small pieces of chicken, I weigh 99 pounds. I keep telling myself to eat but I just can't do it. I don't want to keep hearing those voices and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to tell my parents because in 90% sure they'll beat my ass if they find out I'm 45kg but even they are trying to find out how much I weigh and keep telling me "get on the scale and show me your weight" I always yell because I'm terrified of showing them, they'll get so angry. my period has been late for god knows how long, longer than a month and I feel restricted. please someone tell me what to do. please help
please try and talk to someone who makes you feel like ur worth and ur beautiful because you are even if i don’t know what you look like. im not good at helping with eating disorders but maybe talk to someone you trust more then ur parents like another family member about it and hopefully they will go to get you help. i hope you realize you beautiful and loved you are. if you wanna chat more i’m here to talk! <3