ever since my grandads death, my mum has been drinking a bit. every few months, she'd get really drunk and get into an argument with my dad, but it's never been this bad. i never thought i'd say this, but i've heard two of my family members say that they wanted to die, didn't want to be here anymore or something along those lines. i've always been kind of the glue that tries to hold everyone together during those moments, but sometimes i break too. i feel like i've failed my family, and that it's always my fault, because i'm quite a pain in the arse. i've never wanted to kill myself, but i've always wanted to know how people'd react. would they care? would anyone come to my funeral? i regret being such an awful kid to handle. although i'm 13 and still have time to grow, i've always been annoying to my family. i'm easily annoyed and angered, my diets horrible, my hygiene just doesn't exist and i don't care for myself. i don't shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, neither do i eat well. we're a wreck. it's always the same cycle. my mum gets drunk, my dad gets angry, they start shouting, my older sister starts crying, i either go to comfort her, or try to block it out by watching a youtube video. every time it gets worse. i can't imagine how the next episode will be. i feel so horrible because some of my friends family is getting involved. it sucks. they shouldn't have to be dragged into my wreck of a familys drama. they always say that it's okay, and they're there for me, and i appreciate it but they shouldn't be involved at all. i know this is a mess of a story, but this lockdown has really ruined me and my motivation to do literally anything nice for myself. i feel like i have depression, but i've had no diagnosis. and the last time i mentioned it i got absolutely wrecked by my friends. they said that it's my fault my mum got addicted to prescribed drugs, and if i treated her better then *maybe* we wouldn't be in this mess. they told me to grow up, saying that i should do as they say as i live under their roof. they're not wrong. if i wasn't such a pain then maybe we wouldn't be at the point of mentioning suicide. i know i should treat my family better, but something in me just refuses to change. maybe it's me being a bitch all the time, me refusing to do stuff i don't want to, being brutally honest or something. maybe my mum would've never gone to rehab. maybe she would've never been subscribed those pills. maybe she wouldn't be drinking. maybe she would've mourned her dads death properly. maybe i would be more motivated. maybe i'd be more active. maybe i'd be more skinny. maybe i'd eat less. maybe i'd be taking care of myself. maybe i'd be a normal teen.
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