My Sister and me have been fighting for so long, ever since we were born really. We never seem to get along. Then we went in sixth grade, we got phones and started using them a lot. She was on her constantly because she made so many friends and I had no one. In elementary school it was the exact opposite. I had a huge fun group and MacKenzie didn’t have anybody. At lunch she would read to her self, and I would be chatting and playing cards with all my friends. I just got really insecure over the summer and I grew up. Things started matter to me more. Life just wasn’t a game. In the beginning of school, I had basically nobody. One of my friends was extremely depressed and I was following down her path also. I became really depressed and everything was just a reason for me to end everything. People say that it’s just depression and that you can’t really die from it, because I’m so young and nothings wrong with my life. I just I feel like whenever I say it to somebody that I’m like depressed they don’t hear it they just see through it, and nobody will ever believe me. I don’t want them to think that I’m gonna die or anything because then they would do so many things like take me to a therapist. I feel like therapist don’t really care about me, they just care about getting paid and so they’re paid to listen. I can’t talk to my friends because my mom doesn’t want me to talk to people about me and my sisters problems. She feels like then rumors are going to get spread and everything‘s gonnaBe my fault. So I can’t really say anything to anybody I just cry for no reason on FaceTime. I hate not being able to tell anybody and keeping it all bottled up inside of me but I know my friends are the only ones care. So that’s why am on this website because I can’t tell anybody anything unless my parents and they’re really biased to my sister and not me. I like Just expressing myself on here because I feel like if I say it anywhere else people they’re going to prove me wrong or say that they don’t believe me or just say that it’s not that bad. I also don’t know my sexuality and I really don’t want to tell anybody because I don’t think they’ll believe me. My parents are lesbian but they say it’s too late or too early to like ever come up with it. They always talk about boyfriends not girlfriends and it’s just kind of scary it’s like they expect me to be something that I might not be. I’m not even saying that I could be by or lesbian but I just I don’t know. I can’t tell anybody anything because I want my friends to think that I’m funny and happy and just that’s it but seems like every time I tell them some thing I’m worried it’s going to give me an entirely different impression of them. There’s also a TikTok which is an entirely different subject because followers and likes counts so much to my sister and then that makes them count to me too. I don’t want to care about that kind of stuff, but it just seems that she’s beating me in everything. And I know I shouldn’t care about that but it’s so hard when you’ve been living with someone and that’s like all you can think of. She’s always FaceTime and it just makes me kind a like sad and then other than that I don’t stop eating because I’m just done with it I’m not even hungry more I feel nothing it’s just, I just don’t really feel it anymore. I don’t eat because what’s the point in eating? I don’t smile because who’s even there to see me smile? I don’t care because who cares about me. I’m done caring, smiling, living, but whatever I do it seems like I’m doing something wrong and there’s just nothing I can do to make it right. I can have a bunch of my friends over but my parents approve of none of my friends because they’re all mental. But what are you supposed to do we have no friends you just walked into a world where you have nobody. I don’t want to call the suicide hotline because I mean what if they bring up the police? My parents would never believe that I would actually take it to that. And I don’t know how much longer I can live life like this. The coronavirus is still subject, and it’s making everything worse because I can’t even see the few friends that I have. I have to live life cooped up in a house with literally nobody but right now my worst enemy and my sister. I don’t understand why this had to happen when I’m already in such a unstable condition and I can’t do anything to help myself. I don’t want to go see a therapist, I don’t want to talk to my family, I’m worried that if I do they just won’t except it they’re just gonna think that I’m just being jealous and stupid. But my sisters done all these awful things and said awful things about me to people. I’m done with it I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m done with ratting me out I’m done crying every day, I’m just done.
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