i’m sitting alone whilst listening to music in front of my open window at three am. the breeze feels calm and i feel bitter sweet, calm and somewhat happy yet also feeling a bit of sadness. i feel like i’ll never experience this again. all of my happiest memories are alone. this calms me but the fact i’m not supposed to be up and everyone’s sleeping not knowing what i’m doing feels nice. i wish i could live alone sometimes. i just want to have my privacy sometimes. i have online friends but they feel hollow knowing they’re behind a cold screen and nothing else. i don’t have much to grasp but, this one moment of solidarity and bitter sweetness is nice. i want to be a poet but it’s difficult. i’m sitting on my knees alone listening to the breeze and soft tone of the music. the sound of air and the not so soft carpet grazing my fat ass knees. i wish i could have more moments like these. i wish i had more liberty, options, and privacy. i like to be alone but sometime ethos feeling of loneliness isn’t the best. sometimes i don’t want to be alone but i push people away. every time i try to express myself i feel like an idiot because my words come out the wrong way or don’t feel right. it’s frustrating because i can’t explain, it’s just-. i don’t even have friends in real life. i want someone to actually be there, not just temporarily. i cry over you yet i never can talk to you or you push me away. i wish i could’ve been there, i’m sorry i couldn’t prevent it. i really have nothing here yet my decaying fucking body and health. i wish i could be someone completely new. i don’t want to be me or be here. nothing works, nothing other than this feeling of staying up alone. yet i’m taken away from it sometimes. i try to explain but it all comes out wrong and making me look like a dumbass. really no one would cry if i left ran away or killed myself lol. i’ve made bold statements before but they’re not taken seriously. wait until i actually jump. “don’t say that, don’t say stupid things like that”. i want someone to actually be there, i want to try things that i haven’t tried, i want to be genuinely happy and satisfied with myself. but i can never be. the song “id like to walk around in your mind” by vashti bunyan reminds me of a happy ending, movie or game like. a sort of happiness or dream that i think about. having a healthy relationship with a father figure, being happy with myself and being social. i could list so much more but it just reminds me of something i’ll never be able to achieve. i don’t have much going for myself anyways. i’ve told someone my dreams and what i’ve wanted to do but they straight up laughed at me and told me in quote, “you don’t know what you’re talking about”. anyone can drive a fucking car and give tips. it infuriates me how they even think of themself as a father figure. i don’t remember the date, but i had a dream recently about smoking cannabis. i want to try it but i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i’ll tell myself i won’t get addicted and i would. i don’t really fit in anywhere. i don’t know what i’m looking for or what reason but i can’t seem to find it. maybe if i stayed i would. i want someone to be there, not a therapist or online friend, not even mom. not even sydney. but i don’t know what would help or who. i’m just tired and sick of this endless phase, loop, repetitive loop of isolation. it’s the same thing, stay up, be a fatass, sleep during the day and repeat. i’ve done nothing to change and and i know no one can change it but me and i have no one to blame but myself. i’m tired of hearing the same thing. i want something. i can never be satisfied i’m always looking for more. whenever someone asked which is rare, i’ll reply no and they’ll just move on quickly. it hurts but what can i expect, they’re clueless. i push them away but after i leave i want them to come after me.