okay so um backstory is I don’t feel this is worrying enough to tell my actual therapist or parents but I still feel like I need to say it to get it off my mind. So in 7th - 8th grade I made a single friend and her name was Joelle, we met through band class and crazily enough we shared the same bus and lived about 5 minutes away from each other. ( that part doesn’t matter ) so within a year I decided to join a group where I was already friends with everyone I just kinda like joined their lunch table. The group was of all girls but that wasn’t a problem because I’ve been in friend groups of all girls my entire life because I’m more feminine so it just kinda worked. So I joined the group and only after school ended I realized how toxic it really was. Joelle- the one I was first friends with decided to become best friends with this girl named Bella in the group. Like Joelle and I would hang out 3 times a week after school because we were that close and suddenly we weren’t and I was just kinda replaced. Then I was left with no best friend in the group, everyone had a partner to always hang out with. Before Bella just tagged along with Joelle and I but it was okay because we all got along and liked the same things but then when Joelle and Bella became best friends they just kinda kicked me out and I was just all alone. I pretended I was happy with it but i wasn’t. Then we had an after school event, I was super excited because every time I asked my friends to hang out after school they just shot me down but since the school made this official we finally had a change to hang out. It was all going good until we got to the corn maze and Joelle was trying to show off to the rest of the group so she started choking me but everyone kept telling her to stop so she did and I had to go home early because she decided to choke me??? Like the reason I wasn’t allowed to have fun WITH MY FRIENDS was because my friend choked me??? Then later that year it happened again. During the morning before school we were all hanging out and Joelle’s sister started hitting me on the head with a paper plate so I took it because, yeah?? Then Joelle got mad at me FOR TAKING THE PLATE?? like what? so she started choking me again and her sister was hitting me while I was being choked. Not to mention Joelle had always called me ugly and just always put me down and my other friends in the group would post pictures of me where I had told them I felt insecure about those photos but they would still post them and call me names. There’s a lot of other things that I could mention because I literally came home everyday from school crying but what this is really about is. I hate how I look now, like I never cared about how I looked, or sounded or anything until they said it. Like I hate everything about myself and not even that I’ve also been struggling with my identity. Like for the past year I’ve been struggling with Gender Dysphoria. Like I’ve kinda always felt it but never took I seriously I just thought I was feminine but I don’t know if actually want to be a girl and I don’t know if I want to be a guy. Like that’s the problem- I feel like a girl but at the same time I could just be a gay guy. Like I’ve seen stuff on the internet saying “if you could be fine with being in the body you are now, you aren’t feeling dysphoria you just want attention” but I don’t just want attention I’m confused. Like one day I’ll feel perfectly fine with me being a boy but then the next day I’ll cry about not being a girl. Also I know my family would accept me as a gay male but would never accept me if I “became transgender”. That’s it. I don’t know how this works if you guys respond or something but that’s it I just need advice or something because it’s getting really hard to just look at myself some days and just you know like be happy??