hey, i’m rylie. the date is november 2nd, 2019. tonight is the night of my halloween party, i was having a great night with all my friends and my boyfriend of several months, riley wilt.
“hey rylie who’s that dude?” my friend maya said me, i turned around and saw a really short man with curly hair, he wasn’t wearing a halloween costume like the rest of us.
“hey who’s mans are you?” i laughed and said to him. he looked at me and the rest of my friends.
“uhm no body’s mans.. i’m rj”
that was the worst night of my life.
for the next 10 days rj repeatedly sexually assaulted and harassed me. that was the start of all my issues.
i was 14 years old, he was 17.
fast forward to present day, july 2020.
i’m 15 years old, and for the past three years i’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts/actions. i’ve dealt with self harm, loosing family members to suicide, and ice overcame it all.
that’s what keeps me going when i remember what rj did to me.
i’m not gonna go into detail for personal reasons, but everything he said to me still sticks.
i was 115lbs and 4’11 at the time of the abuse. i began to believe everything he told me
i started skipping meals, throwing up what i did eat.
i would wrap cling wrap around my waist.
i would stuff socks into my bra.
i would wear compression socks on my thighs.
i would spend hours everyday concealing all my acne, stretch marks, scars.
on my 15th birthday i was 84lbs, crhing in the bathroom floor because i couldn’t throw up the cake i ate. i looked in the mirror and cried harder.
i locked the door. i opened my
phone to my notes. i took the razor i had hidden inside my hairbrush. i dug it so deep into my skin i passed out due to blood loss.
i awoke 6 hours later, at 8am. i had stopped bleeding, but i was a mess. i cleaned up the bathroom floor, cleaned myself up, started a load of laundry, and went to sleep. my whole family was still asleep. they never found out about this.
now, July 22nd, 2020 i am 102lbs, i have healthy eating habits now, i haven’t self harmed, and i haven’t had any of those thoughts. i still have issues with my image, but i am happier with myself now, i realized its okay to have scars, mentally and physically, i’m proud of my thick thighs, which are covered in stretch marks, my green/brown eyes are okay, my round jaw is beautiful. i still have days where i am not happy with myself, and i would i could change some things. but i’ll be okay, my self esteem is very very low, but my self love is ever growing.