I love my life for the most part. I tell myself that as much as possible and put SO MUCH effort into staying positive. It is so difficult sometimes. I have a best friend of 4 years and she is amazing, supportive, buys me food, and is always listening to what I have to say. I love her so much and am thankful for her, yet I feel like im not myself around her.
This feeling of akwardness or not being good enough comes up because I want to be an amazing friend, so when I think something the slightest bit mean, I don't say it because I don't want her to get offended. The thing with me is when I say something "mean", I will ALWAYS say it as a joke because I never want real harm on someone I just want them all to be happy. Its just my personality is like that, where I will joke around and say youre so stupid. I feel like with her Ive always troed to be kind because I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY. SHES SARCASTIC AND DOESNT get that offended.
She has this friend who was originally my close friend, but now they are super close and I like this girl, it just scares me because I am nervous my best friend would end up liking her more. They laugh about everything together and its just a little nerve wracking because as much as this girl is my best friend, we don't laugh together that much and that worries me too. This insecurity is all coming from feeling I have to be better so that she can love me more. But its weird. Because I know she loves me a ton, she posts me all the time and we hype each other up often. I dont know why I feel like I need to be somebody else even after knowing her for so long. I can predict what she has to say before she even says it. I just want to have that friendship where we hyoe each other up, but I am also super comfortable and can be my complete self. I also don't understand why I am so mean to myself. Like it deosnt get me anywhere and it makes me feel worse. Recently, I just feel good with my guy friends because they are so easy to talk to and I don't have to worry about what they will say or think. I think I only have this w my bestfriend and I wanna make it better I just want to have that friendship where we are truly happy to be around each other. I dont know how to be myself because im scared she wont like it or will like her other friend more. I have told her my family issues and she is so caring, its just idk I try to be perfect around her and it can get exhausting. Like im trying to please her? And the thing is its not like shes making me, I just want to feel loved. If that makes sense? i want for me to genuinely love our friendship. Sometimes I think the one with my other friend is better because I can so easily be myself. I might end up talking to this girl and tell her i feel this way about us. Im so nervous but I want to be happy I know she'll be understanding and help me work through it if I tell her that I dont feel good enough and try to hard. I hope so at least. I want to be okay.
Also, I am a super social person, yet I struggle with battling my head of insecurities when I get uncomfotable. It comes from comparing myself to my friends a lot, I need help to stop. Like I keep trying to be better because I think they are all great and Im not. I am just. really mean to myself and keep asking myself, "are you fun enough? are they happy around you?"
u are heard ♡. ur bsf loves u. u can b real w her- she's ur best friend! talking w her abt this is the right move!! u r always enough. repeat that- u r always enough. ♡