Ok so I really have no clue how to start this and I don’t know whether I’ll share everything so yeah. Three years ago my nanny died from breast cancer. She had fought it off once before but decided not to go through all the trauma of chemo because it was so painful for her. I watched her become sicker and sicker and I couldn’t do anything to make it stop. I was 11 or 12 at the time I’m not completely sure, anyway, so one day she messaged me and I think she was congratulating me about how well I had done in swimming. She made quite a few errors so I said something along the lines of ‘do you have a new phone because you’re making quite a lot of errors��’ and she said ‘oh you cheeky monkey��’. My mum told me the next day that my nanny had actually been really offended by it and she was hurt. So my mum asked me to apologise. Thing is I knew how close she was to dying and I didn’t want to see her like that. So I ended up never apologising because she ended up dying the next week. I ended up blaming myself for a very long time even though her death was obviously not my fault. I want to go on but this has really drained me since I haven’t actually spoken about this stuff to anyone before. Il probably wrote more about separate things tomorrow. Night everyone.
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