Suicide is a private thing, you know? I just feel like I have no reason to live. I have no reason to die either, I suppose. But even so, I guess having no reason to live is a reason to die. Or vice versa. And I don’t want to stress out my parents. My dad is very anxious and my mom worries about him all the time. I feel like if I talk about my issues I’ll be rejected or be a burden. Not to mention, expectations are killing me. I know I apply these expectations upon myself, but I can’t get rid of them. My mom always says that she’ll love me the same but that isn’t the reassurance she thinks it is. I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m a failure. If I think myself as a failure and a burden that would be the nail in the coffin. Literally. My friends aren’t my friends. More like people I associate with. I’ve been from friend to friend that I no longer recognize myself. I’m said to be smart. I’m said to be stupid. I’m said to be patient. I’m said to be impatient. I’m said to be pretty. I’m said to be ugly. I’m said to be skinny. I’m said to be fat. I’m said to be too straight forward. I’m said to be too sarcastic. I’m said to be funny. I’m said to be serious. I’m said to be nice. I’m said to be mean. All I know about myself is that I’m sarcastic, mean, stupid, sad and ugly. A burden. A fatass. A bitch. A whore. A failure. A try-hard. A pushover. A show-off. A hypocrite. A coward. A horrible person. A horrible friend. A horrible sister. People online are nicer to me than actual people are. One told me not to do it. Something no one has ever told me before. They told me I was loved. And wanted. And valid. Things I rarely ever hear. I hear “I love you” but no one ever means that anymore. Love has lost all meaning. I hear people saying I shouldn’t do it because I’ll never “hear my children laugh” which is fucking stupid and ignorant. Not everyone wants kids. Me included. I hear to not do it because I’ll never get to “meet my soulmate” which is stupid but not as ignorant, I guess. A soulmate could be a friend. A sibling. Not always a lover. For all I know, I already know my soulmate. Check that off the bucket list that I don’t have. I’ve been told I’m being selfish. That some people actually are depressed and willing to die. That I should be grateful. That because I have a good family that that should be a good enough reason. That I have no reason to be sad. As if I need a reason. School sucks. Friends suck. My family is slowly falling apart. Life sucks. But suicide is a private thing. I don’t want my parents to have to explain my death to everyone. That would be sad. But if I do do it. It was not your fault.It was mine.
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