Suicide is a private thing, you know? I just feel like I have no reason to live. I have no reason to die either, I suppose. But even so, I guess having no reason to live is a reason to die. Or vice versa. And I don’t want to stress out my parents. My dad is very anxious and my mom worries about him all the time. I feel like if I talk about my issues I’ll be rejected or be a burden. Not to mention, expectations are killing me. I know I apply these expectations upon myself, but I can’t get rid of them. My mom always says that she’ll love me the same but that isn’t the reassurance she thinks it is. I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m a failure. If I think myself as a failure and a burden that would be the nail in the coffin. Literally. My friends aren’t my friends. More like people I associate with. I’ve been from friend to friend that I no longer recognize myself. I’m said to be smart. I’m said to be stupid. I’m said to be patient. I’m said to be impatient. I’m said to be pretty. I’m said to be ugly. I’m said to be skinny. I’m said to be fat. I’m said to be too straight forward. I’m said to be too sarcastic. I’m said to be funny. I’m said to be serious. I’m said to be nice. I’m said to be mean. All I know about myself is that I’m sarcastic, mean, stupid, sad and ugly. A burden. A fatass. A bitch. A whore. A failure. A try-hard. A pushover. A show-off. A hypocrite. A coward. A horrible person. A horrible friend. A horrible sister. People online are nicer to me than actual people are. One told me not to do it. Something no one has ever told me before. They told me I was loved. And wanted. And valid. Things I rarely ever hear. I hear “I love you” but no one ever means that anymore. Love has lost all meaning. I hear people saying I shouldn’t do it because I’ll never “hear my children laugh” which is fucking stupid and ignorant. Not everyone wants kids. Me included. I hear to not do it because I’ll never get to “meet my soulmate” which is stupid but not as ignorant, I guess. A soulmate could be a friend. A sibling. Not always a lover. For all I know, I already know my soulmate. Check that off the bucket list that I don’t have. I’ve been told I’m being selfish. That some people actually are depressed and willing to die. That I should be grateful. That because I have a good family that that should be a good enough reason. That I have no reason to be sad. As if I need a reason. School sucks. Friends suck. My family is slowly falling apart. Life sucks. But suicide is a private thing. I don’t want my parents to have to explain my death to everyone. That would be sad. But if I do do it. It was not your fault.It was mine.
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I've been you before. I've felt the exact way you feel. I honestly don't know what changed my mind about feeling like I didn't have a place in this world. Maybe it was because I've finally found my people. Or one of them. But I do truly know that if you were to commit suicide, everyone you think wouldn't care, would. I know I don't know you, I don't know what you look like, what you've been through, what you're truly feeling. But I do know that you wouldn't be on this earth if you didn't have a reason to be. I don't think you're any of those things you said. And I don't even know what you look like! I think you are beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, smart. I think you're If you were to commit suicide, I think you would change someone's life. For the worse. Say that in the future you meet someone, I'm not saying that its your soulmate just that its a random person, that person just needs someone who they could be around, someone who understands them, who will listen to what they are saying and help them, who will never reveal their secrets, who they could confide in. You would become the person that person needed in their time of struggle. You could give them a reason to live. Now, I don't know if this post is going to help at all. it may have been a waste of your time. I hope it wasn't though. I know I don't know you, but if you were to commit suicide, I would miss you. That sounds cheesy, but its true. If I don't get a reply or see that someone's viewed it, I'll think I didn't help or that I was too late. Gosh, I hope I wasn't. I don't want you to die. I wish I could meet you and become your person maybe even your friend. The one who gives you a reason to live. Since I can't, I hope you find that person. With all my heart, I hope you find that person. :)
p.s. I don't think you would be a burden on your parents if you told them how you felt. I think they would wish that you would tell them. but, I don't know them or you. you know them best. its up to you.
I just ask, you take all this into consideration
To give you perspective on how much I think you're worth, I absolutely HATE writing and I just wrote you a huge paragraph on why I think you're worth it.
~madglen