i hit my limit today, that feeling you get when you know things are starting to go back downhill in yourself. i wish so many things but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter that i relapsed, or plan to starve myself. it doesn't matter if my anger outbursts just get worse and I can't control them cause to everyone im still find , there's nothing wrong with me just mild anxiety, ptsd and depression. maybe that's my fault cause i don't open up to anyone but it's not like i want pity or attention, but at the same time i want attention in the way like i want help. i want to be fixed, i want to know how to be fixed or at least what's wrong with me. i need someone to tell me what chemicals in my brain are doing what so i can know why im this why, why my thoughts and feelings are like this. its becoming harder and harder every day, today was one of the worst and i cant even think about it yet because i will break my laptop. whenever i try talking it sounds like im angry, or have a bitchy attitude, but thats just my brain trying to warn people off, so i dont get hurt but i dont wanna do that. i wanna cry in my moms arms and her to tell me itll be alright, that they wont take her, that im still gonna have my family, but its stupid to want that because it wont be the truth. none of us know what will happen, thats the worst part , being in a state of unknown for so god damn long. truely i dont know if or how long i can take this, take the battles in my mind, the stress from outside and the constant let downs. i cant handle my mind how in the hell am i supposed to handle life?
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