i honestly don't know where to start with this. i came across this after wanting a way to express my feelings, since none of the people i know will listen to me. so, hey.

things for me aren't looking up, in any way. i can't remember the last time i was happy. i can't remember the last time i genuinely wanted to get up in the morning. for years, and especially this past year, it feels like there's really nothing to life anymore. i can't feel a connection between myself and my friends anymore, which leaves me feeling like shit -- my friends are good people, but i find myself not wanting to ever talk to them again. i just recently pieced things together and realized that since childhood, i've been dealing with an abusive relationship with both of my parents, ESPECIALLY my father. i hate my hobbies, i don't have any goals or plans for the future, nothing really makes me happy anymore, and things just to keep getting worse and worse and worse.

lately, i've been more and more drawn to suicide.

it seems like such a nice escape from it all. i have nothing going for me: i'm bullied at school, i'm not close with anyone, and i hate my family. suicide has been on my mind ever since about november of 2019, around my fifteenth birthday. i keep having vivid ideas of how i can do it, and the thoughts of doing it get more and more tempting. and it just... it really sucks. the thing is, even though i keep thinking of things that will keep me here for longer, the thought of killing myself still ends up in the back of my mind.

like, i want to fall in love. i want to have my first kiss. i want to hold someone's hand. i want to graduate high school. i want to go to university. i want to be able to trust people again. i want to learn to love myself. i want to play piano. i want to pet more dogs. i want to look up at the stars on my roof. i want to smile more. i want to try more flavours of ice cream. i want to have an actual happy birthday. i want to get rid of the toxic people in my life. i want to paint. i want to be nicer to people. i want to heal past trauma. i want to get away from all the bad things and be happy.

but as hard as i try, nothing aids me in the fact that i want to commit suicide. and i'm afraid to reach for help. i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what people will think if i open up to them. i'm afraid of being a burden. i'm afraid of people blaming themselves when i die. i'm afraid of anything else besides venting anonymously on this website.

sorry if that was super edgy, or whatever. i'm new to this whole actually sharing my emotions thing. i'm just kind of sick and tired of bottling shit up and stuff. okay. that's all from me.