TW: mentions of suicide, sh, gender dysphoria Hi. I'm Nic. I'm trans. Nobody knows. I feel like I'll never meet up to the standards expected of me. I feel like I'll never be a 'real boy.' I don't think anyone will ever accept me. I know my family won't. I live in a small town and nobody here will treat me right. I hate the body I'm in. I hate having to go every day resenting who I am. Even if I socially transition, I can never be normal. Every penny I make I save so that someday I can afford top surgery. I just want to be a normal boy. I wish I was born a boy. I want to take the money I earn and buy things I want with it. I want to take my money and style my car. But I cant. I have to be able to afford surgery. I have terrible gender dysphoria every day. I'm not tall enough, my voice isn't deep enough, my chest isn't flat enough...I am not man enough. I can't live with myself like this. Everything just hurts all the time. I will never be how I want myself to be.
I've never had any friends. I don't really know why. I guess I'm just not social. Or maybe people just know there's something odd about me. I really just want someone to notice what I'm going through, but nobody around me cares. Not my parents. Not my siblings. Not anyone. Sometimes I just feel so lonely. I've joined a couple Discord servers but I never really make any friends. It just seems like nobody cares. I don't even think I care anymore.
I've wanted to kill myself for at least 6 months now. I've thought of self-harm but I haven't done it yet. I want to OD if I do it. That way, it won't hurt as much.
I think I'm better off dead. I suffer so much, and if I were to die, I wouldn't suffer anymore. I take up expenses too, and my mom would be free of my expenses.