This is going to be long. But please hear me out. I am so afraid for my future. Let me tell you why. (TW)

We’ll start with the first event that started my fear of my love life. So, about two years ago I used to date this boy. We’ll call him Zy for privacy’s sake. We dated for about a year. This was in my sophomore year of high school. I hadn’t been in a committed relationship until then, and I was hell bent on making it my forever one . We were really happy together, for the most part. But we had a terrible communication issue. I had previously gone though sexual assault and was still afraid and repulsed by the idea of committing to sex. He was unfortunately a sex addict. We would constantly fight about it, and it went along the lines of most toxic couple conversations. “If you love me show me how much” “I’m just not ready” and so on. Eventually, right at the relationship year marking, he cheated on me. Twice. He said “I clapped my neighbor” while I was at work. I was devastated. It absolutely destroyed me. I felt numb and worthless. I tried to change my entire personality to fit Zy’s kind of person. But unfortunately he didn’t want anything to do with me. My feelings stayed for a long time. Unfortunately, over time, I didn’t realize my perception of cheating changed drastically.

Time skip a little later. I started dating this other boy, we’ll call him Cam. We had our ups and downs, it was half a year and we had to break up because of his home issues. we broke up. Time skip to a year later.

Cam started dating my best friend at the time. We will call her Sarah. We went to a bowling alley one day, and we both felt aggressive sparks, but neither of us said anything.

Skip to a couple months later, I’m dating a boy named Will. Cam are I, we’re working together. A few weeks in, he comes to me and says “I miss us”. We went into it and talked about our regrets and everything. At the end of it, he says, ”I could kiss you right now.” I said me too, but I have a boyfriend now so I can’t. Time went on and tension grew more. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. We ended up making out behind my stand. And we continued to do that. I didn’t regret any of it. I didn’t tell my friend either. I was so happy. A couple months later, we got caught.

Long story short, He started ignoring me and so on. Which really fucking hurt. But I’m scared that cheating has now completely changed my view of love and I don’t want it to make me a bad person. I don’t think mistakes make up a person, but idk:(