I feel so helpless all the time. I don't know how to make myself feel better, I know how to fix everyone else but I can't fix myself which is seemingly something I've been trying to do for a really long time. I am happy most of the time, I'm laughing and smiling a lot but when my mind gets off that track it's nearly impossible to feel the same again. It's always a cycle, rinse repeat. It happens over and over again and I don't know how to fix it. I feel lazy and tired all the time. Living in a Hispanic household does not help at all, they just don't understand. I don't know. I tried asking for help but instead of them asking me how I was or anything they just asked *why* not "how can i help" or "what do you want to do?" Depression doesn't need a reason, it just happens, I guess. I just got called lazy. It's so hard. I feel like crying all the time. I get so mad over everything all the time, I hate how my brain works and how everything I do is messed up in some way. I can't remember a lot of things, it's like my brain is just trying to delete everything that once made me happy or anything that reminds me of how it was before everything. Sometimes I can't even tell if I slept or not. I can't tell anyone because I feel like everyone has it so much worse. I can't pity myself no matter how much I try to. I apologize for everything because of how shitty of a person I was even though I was younger and wasn't aware of how anything I did affected anyone. I'm humiliated by it. I'm so different now than I was then. I just hope they can see it and I can start believing I deserve things instead of thinking I don't deserve anything at all.
I just hope I can fix myself.