Wow here we go again, my other para got deleted bc the page refreshed smh and ignore the fact that auto capitalization is on ik its nasty but bare through it. -bullies/body issues/sadness- if self harm or anorexic themes trigger you please dont read this, i'm the same way so writing this is a little upsetting. Okay i really miss being a kid, i didnt care about my chest size, my hair, what i was wearing or how big my house was. I was friends with everyone. But when 6th grade rolled around, girls were developed and they all had makeup and boobs. Personally I didn't get my period until 8th so I took a little bit longer. To add on to it, I've always been short and when I was underdeveloped and still dressed like a third grader, no one found me likeable or attractive. I found ( at the time i thought this ) a good friend group, they were all pretty and judgemental but i tried. They all ate barely anything for lunch so i stopped eating too. They all made fun of me for being single so they pressured a kid to make me a valentines card, we lasted a few months but i really realized how unhappy i was. I was with a guy i barely liked as a friend and i was with a bunch of girls who never invited me to sleepovers. I convinced myself i was happy but it was wearing off. I soon broke up with him ik this is cheesy but i said “ i cant bring myself to loving someone before i love myself” we cut it off and the girls made fun of me again. I know these problems don't sound that bad but i was really gloomy and sad all the time. On top of that I stirred drama but having a crush on a guy who had a gf. I learned that he was self harming along with a lot of other people so i thought that i would try it when i was sad. I got hooked but i mainly had this tic where i would get stressed and scratch of skin. I have some scarring but it got bad. Eventually these girls told the counselor and it was bad, I was so mad at them. Eventually i got lazy and unmotivated, my grades dropped and my room was a complete mess. One day while i was at school my parents cleaned my room. They found my diary which only had two pages filled out but they read it. This totally broke our trust ( tbh im still a little upset with how they handled it) then when i got home ( this was the day after my birthday party, actually that day sucked too bc my *friends* excluded me from my own party anyways) they sat me down and showed me the diary ( the one that goes in detail about self harming and how i was going to kill myself that i wrote a week before) i froze and said it was super old ( i was a fucking idiot and wrote the dates from the two entries) i ran upstairs and kind of hid. I was screamed at by my step-dad and then he threatened to go through every single message on my phone to figure out what was going on. He was a fucking asshole, i was in enough pain and i wanted support and comfort. Instead i was screamed at for like a week. They never even sent me to counseling, they just moved on even though at the time i was severely suicidal and depressed, probably even anorexic. Ig things were normal until the next summer when we had to move away from the only good friend that sticked with me the entire time (lets call her h) h was the best person in my life after my parents completely betrayed me. She would play with me and she was the only person who would still play toys with me without judging. H would wait at the bus stop and walk me home. We would play at the park and play roblox. She was absolutely everything from like age 8-12. We still facetime dont worry. So we moved across the country. During the summer we moved i got a message. A message from my old friend group saying that my ex bf never liked me and that i was ugly and desperate. They were only friends w me because they felt bad. Till this day that really impacted me. My self esteem dropped to 0. There are plenty of sad stories from that summer but I'm sticking to the bigger ones. Eventually 7th grade started, again everyone was pretty and developed. I was a flat chested child. Everyone was tall and wore crop tops. I stuck to old navy and the kids section of forever 21. I missed h more than ever bc she never judged me and i wore whatever i wanted around her. I was made fun of by some shitty hetero white males for what i wore. I didn't know who to be friends with but as i looked around i saw this girl. At the time I was 100% straight but this girl was everything. Her smile and her laugh, she showed me the music that changed my life. She was the coolest person in my life. Again, I was underdeveloped and was weird. I actually asked her out by asking her friends to ask her for me. ( ik but i was young gimme a break) she obviously rejected me saying i wasnt her type. I kept my eye on her but i made friends with her friends. Ik this kinda sounds sick but i made friends with them to get closer to her. I actually became good friends with them and forgot my former intentions. Tbh i had some trust issues from previous relationships. We became friends in august ( beginning of school year) in january a girl named ( ima call her a) joined our school and friend group. She was super mature and was really cool. Tbh a bitch but i liked her at the time. She wiggled her way in between me and the other two. A would intentionally lowkey bully me. She made fun of my body all the time. Im severely underweight but i stopped eating because i wanted to be pretty. At one point she was making fun of my boney thighs and arms, she was like “ youre just jealous of thick thighs” i replied saying that “ its just fat” ik that was mean but she was an asshole. She yelled at me and turned over to my other friends saying i was a bully. One of the girls told her mom and i wasnt allowed over anymore. The three were r,t and a. T had a bday sleepover but i wasnt allowed over at the time so i didnt go. She literally invited everyone else. I was extremely hurt, i stayed home in the dark seeing all of her posts. I cried and cried until i got a text. Then another. She got like 4 different girls to text me. They called me a whore,slut,ugly,fag and told me to kill myself. I was so upset, idk i was going through a rough time. They then passed the phone around telling me their honest opinions about me. Everything was happening all over again, they were only friends bc they felt bad. I honestly dont know why i did this but i forgave them i believed them when they sad that it was one girl and they were asleep. We were friends again but i wasnt feeling it. I was going back into my depressive mindset. I was barely eating. This was right before quarantine but i moved tables and cut contact because i was done with them being toxic. They got mad and i went insane. We got next years classes back and t was going into algebra and i was still doing pre. i went batshit crazy. Tbh she was a moron, she couldnt spell and i was tested for honors multiple times. I always finished first, i had the best grade, i tried harder than her, i KNOW im smarter than her but she got algebra. I cried at lunch multiple days in a row, i was embarrassed that she got in and i didnt. It broke me, i felt worthless and on top of that ( youre going to need a backstory for this part, so my mom divorced my abusive father when i was younger. I used to visit him but it stopped when i turned like 8, my mom absolutely hates him bc he was abusive but everytime i visited and/or talked to him he seemed like a sweet person. I believed my mom but i wanted to form my own opinion on him, i was always looking forward to meeting him when i was older. Long story short he overdosed the same month. I didnt really know him but all my hope crumbled, these thoughts came across my mine *why stay?*) in january when this was happening and drama. ( Yall want me to continue cus i got some more messed up shit.