(there’ll be sentences beginning with lowercases, that’s on purpose) also, this is quite long, so prepare for a lot of bad writing lol. Two years ago, through unfortunate circumstances, i had to move from a town that i’d lived in for most of my life. the moving process was emotional for my entire family. we moved into an apartment that was part of an apartment complex a few towns over. it was the end of the school year, but my parents made me start going to my new school despite me being really depressed. i met this girl in one of my classes because i had to sit next to her. she seemed nice, but that’s the thing: abusers can seem nice. manipulators can seem nice. ANYONE can seem nice. this detail doesn’t matter right now, but it will in the future: i’m trans ftm. i was closeted at the time. anyway , she said hi and we had a short conversation, and later that day she asked if we could be friends, because we lived in the same apartment complex. ( strange detail: any time somebody directly asks to be friends, it often doesn’t end well) i said yes to being friends and thought it would be fine. for a while it was, but eventually she became possessive and i came to realise she was quite rude. she treated people like pawns in her game and she was manipulative. she was also racist, and wasn’t interested in educating herself, and she wouldn’t listen to me when i tried educating her. but i kept giving her more chances. i convinced myself that it was my fault, i had done something wrong. as time went on, i realised more and more things: she was manipulative as fuck and didn’t care about me. she treated her family like donkey shit. she kept harassing me about why i hadn’t gotten top surgery (once i had come out) and she wasn’t just checking in, it would go like this: HER: OH MY GOD! *eyeroll* why can’t you just g e t the SuRgEry? ME: I mean, I don’t think I can. I’d have to be at least 16 probably and I have school. My dad is transphobic and I don’t have the money. I don’t think my parents would let me have a major surgery at 13/14 HER: YOU CANT GET IT???? WHY WONT YOUR PARENTS LET YOU? WHY CANT YOU? ME: Like I said, I don’t have the money. I can’t pull $15,000 out of my ass. Can you? Because trust me, I hate this. If I could just *poof* get the surgery, don’t you think I would? HER: *something about how no matter what she says , it’s always gotta be about me, etc, and how she can get money and then she would continue to harass me about why i haven’t gotten a surgery on my own fucking body yet* And this would happen a lot. Even when I told her it made me uncomfortable and that it was rude. ALSO: i wasn’t real to her. i wasn’t a person. i was a stand in. i was someone to take her instagram pictures, to buy her stuff, to spend time with when other people weren’t available. she didn’t want an actual bond or friendship. i was her therapy dog. less than that. i try so hard to tell myself that i’m completely over it, but i’m not. there’s some places i can’t go because it reminds me that i tried for two FUCKING YEARS to get her to actually care but she never did, and she never will. i have a box of a few of her things & papers n shit and i’m gonna burn it soon. i need to let myself be okay. i need to rant about all this shit and let it out, so like i said, this is gonna be hella long. so here’s a few quotes from her, and the stories behind them- “Why do you only draw black people?” I had been practicing shading on different skin tones, and i’d been drawing *gasp* non-white people that *gasp* didn’t have european features. i know, how sinful! But she was serious! “OHMYGOD why are there so many black people on this show?” She and her mom had been complaining about it. SERIOUSLY FUCKING COMPLAINING. I was stunned because, how dare POC exist and be represented! And her family is italian, so she tried to use the “italians are poc”. That doesn’t mean that italians cant be racist?? there’s no such thing as “too many POC characters” because POC exist in real life and haven’t been represented until recently. “ I don’t know, it doesn’t bother me, unlike SOME PEOPLE.” I had almost had a panic attack because of a scene of a hate crime on a gay couple in a movie **HEAVY EYE ROLL** “ What are you doing? Why are you doing that? You look like one of those sp*d kids. Are you having a fucking seizure?” (and other things that were mocking me) I’d just explained that i was having a minor panic attack and i was stimming/ticking. She told me it was annoying and to stop even though i explained i couldn’t just stop. “YOU’RE SO ANNOYING!” She had been screaming at her sister for making a small mess in her room, and I had said I could help her clean it up and I asked her to try and find another way to express her anger because she was scaring her eight year old sister, and had been telling her that she could “make her own damn dinner”. again , her sister was 8 and her mom disabled, and her mom wasn’t mom so her mom couldn’t do anything to stop her from being cruel to her sister. “I’ll post them online. Everyone will see them.” She knew I had a low self esteem, and she knew that I didn’t like when she threatened me. She knew I had a traumatic past. She knew I had trust issues, but she wanted me to trust her even though she said this frequently. She knew she could use ugly pictures of me to control me. That’s why I refused to take pictures of myself for so long, and why I couldn’t just be silly. She kind of destroyed me. And I hate that she destroyed me. And she didn’t just threaten to send them to my friend or anything, she threatened to send them to the entire school, or her instagram, where the whole grade followed her, so everyone that already hated me could see them. She threatened to put it on her snapchat, where she had even more followers. She threatened to show it to her popular friends and that she would have them all over school. These threats were for tiny things, like me just having a picture of her, which she would often MAKE ME TAKE AND WANT ME TO EDIT. \ “He deserves a second chance. Don’t you dare talk about him like that! DON’T talk about my friends like that!” I had expressed my dislike for a guy in my grade, because he was racist and homophobic, and SUPER transphobic and had bullied me since I came out. She was still friends with him even when she knew that he made me miserable. She even dated him. By the way, she’s bi, and although it’s none of my business who she dates, she knew he was homophobic and thought that “bi girls are hot”, and she knew that he did everything in his power to make my life suck. So i just thought that was kinda shitty. That wasn’t the only time she dated a homophobe, though, she also dated my other bully ������ “He doesn’t have any trans characteristics” I was headcanoning a character as trans because ya know, representation isn’t a thing too often. It was mostly a joke but she got super defensive and rude and like. Yeah, she basically objectified trans people and acted like we all look the same which pisses me off. She knew that I didn’t like when people did that because people act as if trans people aren’t people ���� There was one instance where I was depressed because guess why? Depression and toxicity. Anyhow, I was depressed and she was treating me like shit, then she asked me what was wrong and I said I was just kinda depressed. Then she was like, you should text your boyfriend, which I had been doing, so I told her I was. THEN she said, “Then you shouldn’t be depressed.” UMM MAAM??? So I told her that although texting him can lift my mood and give me a reason to keep going, it doesn’t just solve my depression. And then she was like, “It normally does. It does for most people.” So I had to explain yet again that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and not feeling like shit didn’t mean i didn’t have depression, and then she (who doesn’t have depression) tried to tell me (who does have depression) that I couldn’t have depression because she saw this one thing about how this lady was gonna off herself but she fell in love and **TAA DAA** depression cured. She didn’t even listen to me when I explained that she probably felt like she had a reason to live and got help, got on medication, or started seeing a therapist, etc. Being in love doesn’t fucking cure depression (at least most of the time, if there’s a literal chemical imbalance in your brain that’s been there all your life) “Are you serious???1??1?” I said I didn’t want to hang out with her when her boyfriend was around because her current boyfriend was extremely racist, homophobic, transphobic, and islamaphobic and he loved making me suffer. I had joked about “OH, well why don’t you & him and me and my s/0 just go on a double date?” and she said something like, “No, because JUST YOU would be too many trans people for him” SHE LITERALLY FUCKING KNEW HE HATED TRANS PEOPLE AND STOOD UP FOR HIM THINKING I DONT DESERVE BASIC HECKING RIGHTSS?? WTF? She was incredibly racist and normalised racism against asians & I wasn’t having it so I would try and explain to her why it was racist and rude and she’d be like, “ITS A JOKE STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE” I despised her but she lowkey forced me to stay friends with her and gaslighted me into thinking it was my fault. She acted like Native & Indigenous people’s culture could be used as a costume and said things like, “Well its just clothes” & “THEY ARENT BEING SLAUGHTERED ANYMORE” I have an audio recording of me trying to explain how DRESSING UP AS A NATIVE is cultural appropriation and she couldn’t find any good arguments. You know why? Because she’s fucking racist and doesn’t care about respect and human rights unless its about her. It’s not that “it’s not your fight” it’s just that you don’t gain shit from it. It’s not your fight to WIN. that’s why you don’t care about BLM or Native’s rights. Shut the fuck up. I could send it to the school, but it wouldn’t do anything. I said that if she ever “dressed up as pocahontas” for halloween i wouldn’t be with her & i wouldn’t be her friend, because that’s racist as fuck and she wasn’t interested in educating herself. It’s not that she didn’t understand or that she hadn’t been told something, she just didn’t want to listen to anyone. She would also complain about people talking about their sexualities because they were “obsessing over it” but would only ship mainly MLM and she kinda fetishized gay guys. My s/o is genderqueer, but he’s generally pretty masc presenting, so when she basically said she was a fujoshi. A fujoshi is a girl that watches a lot of yaoi or BL, and not for representation or to gain understanding of gay guys, but basically because yaoi and BL often fetishizes gay/ mlm guys. So yeah. I was kind of scared. She would also ask really personal questions about my time with my s/o but would be upset if i brought him up otherwise. it was like i was her form of entertainment. I won’t say all the stuff she said, but it included, “did you make out? Did you choke him? (followed by her asking me why i didn’t have a choking/ BDSM kink)” and she would continue although i told her i wasn’t comfortable talking about that with her. $#3 would belittle me for everything. My art style, my music taste, everything. She made fun of me for having armpit hair??thats so weird?? Anyway I’ll add more later if I remember more or if I need to add more but that’s it for now.