i think i have depression and have had it for the past four years. i feel this hole deep inside of me, and i know it sounds weird, but the pain is somewhat comforting. this is what i wrote a while ago from my notes app: i can’t escape it my past it’s part of me i don’t want to escape i cry sometimes but most of the time i’m just numb used to the feeling i love it the pain it comforts me isn’t it strange i wish to be happy yet once i am reminded of the pain i come running back i am constantly reminded of the hole deep within me the one eroded by heart break and depression and anxiety the one that has gotten so big it almost consumed me it’s as if i covered it with a band aid when i really just need stitches and it keeps hurting probably because it isn’t treated properly she told me to let go to burn the memories to forget but i don’t want to what a waste all of that time for nothing i remember how bad it was which makes me notice how bad it still is when i would freak out and bang my head on the wall for ten minutes or curse out my mom or open up that medicine cabinet and read the labels on every pill bottle in hopes that one could do it quickly painlessly or when i would break the things i love or cry uncontrollably or daydream about jumping out of my window or research how to starve myself i didn’t realize how serious it was everyone feels this way or so i thought i don’t know what to say i have depression i think i’m depressed i have wanted to kill myself for four years i don’t know what to think or do i want to patch that hole but i can’t lose those memories something inside me isn’t letting myself lose them i just cant i don’t know why i feel like i wasn’t built for this college anxiety depression sadness happiness anything i just wasn’t built to be here for very long my time is over i have expired and now it’s time to go i don’t want to die but i don’t want to live i don’t want to get hurt but i deserve to get hurt i wish i had feeling but also maybe not i wish i was a kid again oh to be a kid again
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you matter. i love you and it may not look like it, but it will eventually get better
Sadness is beautiful in a strange way but feeling true happiness is something amazing. Getting help doesn’t mean forgetting memories. I know it may not seem like it now but life will get better.