this is gonna get long so prepare yourself if you really feel like reading it.
covid, right now, has ruined any semblance of a life that i had.
i didnt get a senior prom. i didnt get to finish school properly. i didnt get to see all my classmates and friends in that environment one last time. i had a horrible graduation, it was outdoors in like 94 degree weather. this just keeps getting to me. and it frustrates me to no end. i didnt get anything i was promised this year and it sucks. ill never get this year of my life back. i had so many things i was looking forward to just get shattered in front of me.
im probably not going to be able to go back to school in the fall depending on how all this plays out. my mom has a compromised immune system and it is imperative that i keep her safe. in the process though im pissing off all of my friends who just tell me not to listen to my parents bc im 18 now and “can do what i want”. no i cant. not if i want a place to live.
my gf openly admitted that me not being able to hang out with her makes her angry at me. but i want to. so badly. but she just doesnt understand that i cant bc my mom will not let me. my parents have controlled me my entire life and just bc i turned 18 doesnt mean its going to magically stop. especially with all the stuff going on rn. so now my 3 year relationship is strained bc of that.
since quarantine started i havent had the energy to text people as much. i dont know why. and i know it seems toxic of me. but my friends know im mentally ill but still sort of.. get onto me about it? idk. i want it to change but sometimes i physically cant bring myself to text. its just how i am.
everything and everyone is getting on my nerves. i hate to say it but its true. i feel like every time somebody says something negative (usually vague-posting) it has to do with me. somebody keeps posting that they have no friends. and now i just feel left out in my friend group because im not into what they are right now. its hurting to see them hang out with other people and basically forgetting i even exist. i feel like they smile more and laugh harder with other people so why do i bother? they like other people better so why do i still bother trying to be their friends?
i have no outlets because im afraid of what people will say back. im afraid that all my negative assumptions will be true and everyone was just hiding the truth from me so they didnt hurt my feelings. im scared that people will view me differently and im afraid people will think im manipulative or trying to make everything about me. i dont want to be put in a mental hospital, im afraid of that too so i wont tell my therapist the real truth. its all building up and its becoming too much.
ive felt suicidal for the first time in a while. i thought i was getting better. i even considered self harm (i never have done it before). i just feel like the world is a better place without me. maybe itd make things easier for everyone.
anyways. it felt good to get all that off my chest. thank you for reading this far if you did and if you have any advice or kind words i would really truly appreciate it. i just feel so down in the dumps and i dont know when ill be happy again.