Hey. My name is A.
I am a teenager and I saw this website on TikTok. So I decided to check it out and vent. It’s hard trying to vent to one of my friends or family. Why? Because I’m scared to be judged. I’m scared on what my parents will think of me. I’m scared that they will talk behind my back and say ‘A is so pathetic’ and such. I know people say that I’m supposed to talk to people if I’m not okay so it doesn’t bottle up inside but I prefer my emotions and mind state to be bottled up than to be judged.
My mind is not like how others make it sound like. When people say when you ‘have a mind’ or ‘take a stroll down your lifetime journey’ or whatever, that you have to smell the flowers, that you have to take your time.
Well, what happens if you have no flowers? And instead of flowers there are weeds and dead shrubs? And blocking your pathway are thorns and potholes? Then what do you do? My mind is quite like that I suppose, I’m not sure entirely, but I don’t know how I feel at an overall answer.
I mean, yes, I have parents and siblings, which are nice don’t get me wrong, and I have a couple of friends and people know me. But it doesn’t mean I’m happy. Say, you could have all the money in the world but it still won’t buy you happiness. Every time I do something that is a optional thing my heart starts racing and I bite my nails furiously.
Every time I am in a argument or something slightly bad happens to me I can’t just help but cry. Maybe it’s some of my emotions coming out from my bottled up emotions. Who knows? If I had to describe my mind in those situations it would have to be like if you sat down a toddler, perhaps, and gave them a box of crayons and a piece of paper and told them to draw whatever they liked, it would, most of the time, be a bunch of scribbles. But the rest of the time they might draw small hearts and flowers.
Or maybe when you see in those movies and games in which a bottle is on the shore and inside it is a note, that has a bunch of unreadable writing, but you think to yourself ‘that is quite unusual yet pretty handwriting.
My mind is unreadable or just messy. It used to be such ‘a pretty garden of flowers’ that had many memories and beautiful things. I used to smell all the freshly watered flowers and made sure that no one would harm it. I used to give them fresh soil and bring my friends and family to see them. It used to be so pure and calm. Then what happened? I don’t know. I just want to be able to feel again. To feel happy and calm again. Instead of being sad and anxious. Instead of thinking about what would happen if I died or what would happen if I completely shut myself out from everyone instead from the few. I want to be happy period. I just want to be happy again. To be my old self, that used to smile at everyone. That used to be so bubbly and euphoric. That used to sing with her whole chest and dance because she loved doing those things, but soon gave up. That loved to play sports and write, but soon gave up, again. If you made it this far to reading my story, thank you for listening to me. Instead of clicking off. It means a lot.
Yours truly,
A.