So just over a month ago i was struggling, a lot. I would self harm everyday and it got to the point where i was feeling suicidal. Then i slowly started to get better and a week and a half ago i was the happiest i’ve been in a long time. Then i realised i was in love with my best friend. She’s literally perfect but she’s slowly replacing me. The only reason she probably still hangs out with me is because i live close by. I found out the girl she is replacing me with is going to move next door. I felt worthless and she’s my only friend. Two nights ago i spent 3 hours curled up in a ball trying not to relapse. But all i heard were “she’s never going to like you” “You’re second choice“ ”She only keeps you around because you are close by“
Eventually i gave into my thoughts and self harmed. The next day was terrible. I asked her if she wanted to go on a walk and she said she was busy but later. I needed to clear my head so i went out on my bike. I saw her and her friend. That caused me to have a panic attack. I quickly asked her where the most private part of my village was and she said meet you there. When she got there i was so embarrassed because her friend was just watching me have a panic attack. Both of them made it worse. They just joked around a pretended i wasn‘t there. I went home and just cried. It had been a month since i felt this way and it seems worse than before. I want to tell her about my relapse but she didn’t even know i s/h in the first place. And today is the last day i can see her because my cousins are coming (and i won’t be able to get any privacy while they’re here) I don’t know what to do
i’m so sorry that that happened :(( but relapsing is apart of the process. it happens. i’m proud of you for how far you’ve come. i’m sorry about the friend situation. idk if you have the app but if not, there’s an app called “i am sober“ that i use as well!! it helps to not sh. anyways, i wish you the best!!