over the years i’ve relapsed but this whole year has been the worst. i self harm whenever i’m truly numb and i want to feel something or whenever i want to punish myself/make myself feel pain. i cant fully express the pain i feel inside so sometimes i think that by inflicting that pain on the outside will help but it doesn’t. my family has seen my scars, they’re from a week or two ago and no one has even questioned me. i don’t want to get ambushed and be bombarded with questions but i wish they cared enough to check in on me. i often wonder if people ignore my scars or cries for help because they don’t want to get involved because i’m too much to deal with. sometimes i wish someone, anyone at all would notice the small hints i leave around showing that i’m in pain and that i’m in a really dark place, but they never seem to care enough or they just ignore them. why can’t someone just ask me if i’m alright and help me find the help i need. i’ve tried so many therapists, meds and i’ve tried talking to friends, family and more people but it never helps or works. the meds leave me numb or don’t work and no one can seem to help me. i’m starting to lose all hope like what did i do to deserve this pain? was i an asshole in my past life? is this karma coming back to me? i wish i knew so i could fix it, i don’t think i’ve ever been truly happy not even when i was a kid. i wish i could end all of this pain. i don’t want to die, i just want to stop hurting, i wish i could just escape all of this and never come back.
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omg i’m really sorry. you don’t deserve this. I’m sorry, i don’t know how to help but i hope you find the help you need, and i’m sorry about your family. I really hope you get better. sending prayers❤️