hi, i'm new to this website but will probably post a lot as my life desperately falls apart.
not really sure where to even start, but i guess around the beginning where i believe all this began to sink. the beginning of middle school, where everyone started to part from me and ignore my existence. as my social anxiety grew worst and i lost more and more social skills from constant days of sitting in a loud cafeteria yet living silently. physically can not be around people anymore without getting a sick feelings to my stomach. every single day just starving myself to the bone and sitting silently, ignored by the "friend group".
my starving habit has not improved whatsoever and has only ruined my appetites to the point i cant even eat a proper meal without feeling sick afterwards and wanting to throw up. most days without eating at all has been three at max so far. it has grown difficult to fight back to urge to just starve myself for several days and hide away, but hunger manages to fight back after a couple days. urging towards starving again as i struggle desperately to even have an appetite.
i have begun to inch more and more towards more physical self harm, such as cutting, overdosing, etc. have received two stolen knives from the kitchen that sit hidden in my shelf until in need of use. although, i manage to cut myself more often on accident then on willing. although i'm not complaining, cut is cut. plus, makes up for when i cant manage to draw enough blood to satisfy myself.
i believe i might be masochistic. but hey, who the fuck cares on my side. i often find myself with violent urges and thoughts, such as bashing my rib cage against my bed frame, and other dumb yet gruesome things. hell, already plotted my suicide path in a decently gore way. aka slit my throat and bleed out under my bed in the dead of night, awaited for my rotting away body to be discovered and tossed away.
yesterday i had my first panic attack. i could not breath whatsoever and felt completely choked up. i remember it quite visibly. everything was spinning, my body felt like it was numbing yet vibrating frantically. there wasnt really anyone home at the time being, so obvious result was complete panic and stress. best part it was my birthday yesterday too! spent most of that day stressing, crying, and sleeping. not my best birthday.
as i gain more privileges, i stretch my idea of creative suicides. yeah, i know there is a bunch of shit to live for and that same copy paste pity excuse, and i have the common sense to know to not leave the people i love behind, even if there is very few. whether bleeding out in the middle of a flowery and peaceful field, or just being torn up by wild dogs and eaten alive, i am more considerate. i mean, if i were to kill myself i would at least finish it correctly. aka distant myself from everyone and make them hate me more then i hate myself so the goodbye message wont have to be as long.
not sure where to add on from here, mind melting.