I started cutting in November of 2019 when I first found out my sister was pregnant. I used a razor blade on the back of my arms, and later when i misplaced that i used a knife and would sometimes cut my upper arms and leg. Additionally, I would also sometimes hit myself in the head or legs as self-harm. This went on for what i believe to be about a year or so (maybe a little more or less). After I stopped I was able to stay clean for about two years. I've had some urges, but mostly just passing thoughts. Overall my mental health has been at its peak lately. In fact, I was planning on telling my therapist in my upcoming appointment about my previous self-harm, despite the fact that I had never shared it with anyone outside of a few online friends and anonymous websites. However, a few days ago there was an incident with my best friend in which I tried to open up to her about how much she had been hurting me lately, but she just ignored me, ultimately causing more pain. I had a panic attack and couldn't reason with myself about what I knew I was gonna do. I just recieved a pocket knife for Christmas so I figured that I could use it to cut myself and release some of my tension and pain. I decided on my upper leg, as it would be easy to hide. After a few cuts I realized that the knife wasn't as sharp as I though it was, and it was hard to work with. So, for the first time I performed the "stereotypical depressed person" pencil sharpener dismembering and removed the small razor blade inside. I disenfected it with a lighter and used it to cut, which felt and worked so much better. I texted my best friend and asked her to come over, as I was in a lot of pain and really needed someone to talk to. But, even though she was online and only a few streets over with her boyfriend, she never opened my texts. When I was done I cried for hours, and eventually cried myself to sleep because of how angry, sad, and disappointed I had felt. I had been feeling pretty good these last few months, so it was frustrating that one incident could set me back so far. Even more so, I could no longer tell my therapist about my history of self-harm because now it's current, which may give her reason to tell my parents. That night I dreamed that my friend's betrayel was much worse, and woke up sweating. She's one of the most important people to me, and we've been friends for almost 10 years. When she eventually texted me back it felt like i was really getting through to her, which was a relief. She apologized some and explained a few things. I told her that I had really needed her the day before, and her not aswering felt like abandonment. I debated telling her what happened, but when she asked i decided that I wasn't ready yet. In truth, I feel that telling her will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. But, I'm afraid of making her worry, and I'm also scared that my urge to tell her might be my subconcious trying to manipulate her by making her feel guilty. I do want her to feel guilty about the way she's been hurting me, but not about this. This is not her fault. I'm also a bit nervous that if I tell her she'll tell her boyfriend, even if I ask her not to. I don't trust him and don't want his judgment. This first incident was almost a week ago on Friday. But the day before yesterday my best friend and I were on a call and she told me that her and her boyfriend had just gotten into knife play. As I was thinking about it, I realized that as they were cutting for pleasure I was cutting for pain. I was immedietly eager to remember what it felt like, so when we stopped calling I immedietly went for my razor blade. This time, I bled much more than before, and it was almost worrying. It also hurt much more afterwards, as it's in a position where when I move sometimes I can feel a sting. I had to reset my "I'm Sober" clock again and haven't cut since. However, I can tell that I'm going to again. I'm not ready to give it up yet. But, it feels like a slap in the face to all of the progress I've made. Now when I go to therapy, I won't be able to talk about what's really bothering me as I'm afraid of her telling me to stop. I know it's unhealthy, but it feels like my only outlet right now. I only have two close friends, and one of them is hardly ever around now that she has a boyfriend. It's devastating.
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