lmao sorry for the crude title, i couldnt really think of anything nd i also couldnt really care less soo..
anyways, i’ve started cutting just in the past month or so and even though i tell myself i won’t let it get bad, it’s already come so far within just a month. at first i was barely scratching, basically no blood. now, if there isn’t blood, it’s not good enough. it has to bead up. i don’t particularly care about going deeper, rather i simply care about seeing blood. it makes me feel like i’m in control, i guess? i have a twt account on selfharm twitter and i think that furthers my want to cut more, but i also don’t want to get rid of the account. i don’t want to stop. i like seeing blood and i like feeling like i’m actually competent at something. it’s gotten much worse since my partner has taken a vacation for a week, since they’re not there to check up on me. i feel like i could never tell them. it would crush them, and they would want me to stop. i don’t want either of those things. i want to tell someone, anyone, to talk about it, but i don’t want them to tell someone else and i don’t want them to make me stop. it’s a cycle that i’m falling deeper into but the only thing i feel is shame for not regretting it yet.