I was 5 and I wish I could remember more because it’s like my memory blocks out specific parts.
but I showered with my older sister and twin sister and the shower was a blur but I remember she touched me and my sister, cleaned me and my sister in a certain way, and made me and my sister touch her in specific areas and clean her.
she touched me and my sister on the way out of the shower and I forget what happened afterwards but me and my twin ended up with our towels on ready to leave the bathroom but she said something like “you guys are going to miss out on the fun part”
I thought it was a game.
she touched us and made us lick her in certain places and touch her in certain ways.
I never knew if it was some fucked up dream but my twin was the only other person that could confirm it was real, that it happened. That it wasn’t normal.
For the longest time I never looked at it as bad but I looked at the memory as something “my mom would be uncomfortable hearing.” I had always been told stories about how my mother was sexual assaulted consistently by her father as a teenager and never thought that what happened in that bathroom was sexual assault because it didn’t amount to her trauma.
Later years, in my current teenage years, she told me about how my big sister was raped by my step sister and when I tried to tell my mother about what my big sister did, she didn’t believe me.
My mom didn’t believe me and she kept trying to get me to empathize with my sister doing that to me.
She’d deny it, ask me if it was just a dream, ask me how I knew it was real, or she’d say it was real and say that she did that to me because she was under the influence as drugs as a teenager.
I understand drugs and alcohol can fuck with how a person normally is but why should that justify her using my body.
Why should that justify the fact that I shouldn’t cry about it because she was a hurt teenager, “she didn’t mean it.”
Of course she didn’t mean it, but I still felt and experienced every part of what “she didn’t mean to do.”
She knows she did it too.
It’s been subtly mentioned and she still hasn’t apologized.
I’m tired.
I can’t actually rlly remember my age, I’m assuming I was 5 because I was small. I can’t remember any other part of that day or year either