I was in a really toxic relationship from around December 2017 to around July 2019. My girlfriend cheated on her then-boyfriend with me, and we broke up because she cheated on me so yknow it's true what they say "you lose people the way you got them". Our entire relationship was physically fairly intense from the very beginning, especially for 13-16-year-olds. She was almost 2 years older than me and a grade ahead of me, so the maturity and power dynamic was already completely off. She knew exactly what she was doing to me when she was doing it. We both had mental health issues that exacerbated everything. I was insecure and wanted to be loved more than anything, and she took advantage of that. She was paranoid and unstable and manipulative.
As our relationship progressed, the intimacy continued to kick up a notch until I suddenly found myself in a situation where every single time we hung out, it would get sexual. If I wasn't into it, I would quickly find myself alone. When we kissed or cuddled or even when she hugged me goodbye, she would touch me inappropriately without asking, and too quickly for me to ever make her stop before she did. If I didn't say anything, it was fine, and if I was weird about it, she would say something like "you're just so hot. I can't help it." as if it was a compliment.
I've always been insecure about my chest, and I expressed very early in our relationship that I was not comfortable with her putting her hands there. She did it all the time, and it took multiple reiterations of my discomfort to get her to stop.
We never had actual intercourse, because I kept saying no, but she really wanted to. It got the point where she would ask me constantly every time we were together. She guilt-tripped me so hard and essentially framed the whole situation as She wants to take an innocent, small step in our relationship, that we're almost at anyway, and because I am a selfish, overly-sensitive prick, I keep preventing that. I almost just said 'fine' so many times because I was scared that she would break up with me. One time, we were in bed after she coerced me into other sex things (asking me constantly for oral and the like.)("pleasee?", "I'm just so horny", "don't you want me to feel good?", even threatening self-harm if I ever broke up with her, pressuring me into sending nudes, shit like that was routine.), and she asked me for what must have been the sixth or seventh time that day. In response to the same barrage of reasons she would always throw at me, I said: "yes (as in 'understood' 'that may be the case'), but-". And before I could say anything else she'd already opened a condom. I made my 'no' clearer, but I'm still mad at myself for never saying "No. I don't want to.", and instead saying something like "Not right now" or "maybe another time". After that, she said, "you can't just get me all worked up and then do this." I felt bad. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I said "we can still do other things." and we did.
I didn't give her the go-ahead for any of this. It was manipulated and manufactured consent. Just because she never physically forced things, doesn't mean I wasn't assaulted.
About a year into our year and a half long relationship, I started to get more uncomfortable with most types of intimacy. Even the stuff I used to be genuinely ok with started to feel not ok and just generally not good to me. As this happened, she started talking to me about her friends or other people she met and how hot she found them. I think it was in large part her way of shaming me for not wanting to do sexual things. She made me feel like I wasn't enough for her. And it was completely deliberate. One time she deadass asked me if she could fuck some other guy she met and when I said no (obviously? because we were in a committed monogamous relationship?), she painted it like I was the villain keeping her from having a good time and she was so kind to even ask and she reluctantly respected my wishes because she was such a good person and I should be so lucky. It was insane, and the most embarrassing part is that I bought it. A little later, I found out she cheated on me and we broke up. I never confronted her about anything mostly because I didn't even realize the extent of what happened until this week.
I am so angry at myself for not being aware of what was going on, and not saying no like I meant it because I did. I was enduring trauma and I didn't even notice it. It scares me that I could be so stupid and so easily exploited. If someone could do that and get away with it so easily, what does that say about me? I let that happen. I'm supposed to be a man: strong, in control, unreserved, and I let that happen.
I watched someone I loved manipulate me and capitalize on my insecurities. I watched someone who I thought loved me use me like a toy, and then toss me aside when I stopped making it easy for her. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for that.
you can’t blame yourself for something that isn’t your fault. you had no idea at the time and that isn’t on you! being a man doesn’t mean always being strong and in control, don’t forget that. you were the victim <3 i’m so sorry this happened to you and i hope you’re okay. stay strong king and keep your head up 💟