Im 17. almost 18 now, my brother is 19, nearing 20. when we were little, I had no clue what sex was. I learned everything I know from him. He told me all about his experiences and how it was supposed to be a good thing. I was 5 at the time, he was 7. I remember it so vividly. We had gone to our room that we shared, we shared a room for years and every night I’d wake up to him touching me and he’d justify this by saying it was natural and I should enjoy just as much as he did. Then came the blackmail. When I turned 10, I started really feeling weird about the whole situation, I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing more then to go to my mother and tell her all about what happened. But, what if she looked at me with disgust? What if she thought I was gross for letting him do that? I never specifically Told him no up to that point, I just would tell him that I was uncomfortable but I still didn’t get the concept of consent then. When I did start telling him no, he threatened me to keep silent by feeding into the feats I already had about confronting his behavior with an adult, telling me I’d be Beaten and gotten rid of if they ever found out because they’d think I was filthy. During this cycle he’d force me to do things with him in order to receive help with simple things, and when I would refuse or express my reluctance , I’d typically end up being told on, getting in trouble or he’d stop talking to me and being in an abusive household without the one person who “loved you” to be there for you was not the life I wanted. This cycle continued until middle school when I finally got a boyfriend that I loved with all my heart. one night my brother came into my room and kept touching me and I begged and pleaded for him to stop, and when he finally did, he was so upset with me that he began telling me That he would tell my boyfriend all about the things ”we” had done “together”. about how we had sex and I was a whore and he kept telling me that he would make sure my boyfriend left me. I went Off that night and locked myself in my room. That night pushed me over the edge with some other problems I had been having at the time. I attempted To take my life that very night, I was 12. I’m 17 now. And my brother moved out two years ago. we still talk as if what happened all that time never happened. We still associate like brother and sister, I’ve always had it in the back of my mind that he just didn’t see he was in the wrong, or that he didn’t care. I assumed that somehow in his thick skull he had justified his behavior and that’s why he could still talk to me as if he hadn’t been grooming and raping me from the very beginning. But the other day me and my father got into a fight and I was severely injured, and I called my older brother, asking him to please just stay on the line with me because I was scared and I was going to lose consciousness before the cops showed up and I really needed the support. During that time, he told me how much he loved me. And he apologized For everything he had done. He has NEVER apologized for this up till now, and I never realized how much I had been holding onto it until now. I always chocked it up to “oh I wasn’t raped because even if I was young and didn’t know better, I didnt say no.” And Im trying to get over it, he told me he’s had nightmares for years about it after he realized what he had done, and he said the only reason he did it to me was because someone had done it to him, but am I supposed to forgive him? How can I? Can I even be mad at him? He was a kid too. I don’t fucking know anymore but I feel like I’m losing my mind.
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In all Honesty, if you have any advice. Please feel free to give me some because I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore.