Im surrounded by so many people yet I still feel in some ways alone. Sure, I have friends from all types of social groups,, kids from discord, school, church, childhood, but I don't feel I can be genuine with anyone. One of my closest friends at the moment ha s an ego larger than life. I always listen to her problems but I don't feel too heard when I try to tell her about mine. She's so obsessed with being seen as alt and not a "normie" and puts down so many harmless people with her opinion because of it. The word normie just irks me,, I don't care too much what people see me as, as long as they like me, but for her it's all she cares about. I want us to be able to open up to each other and be closer than ever, but with our personalities I just don't think it can happen. She also low-key embarrasses me so she seems cooler to our other friend in our group. We'll be talking about something like Undertale (lol) and she'll go on and on about how I don't know my AUs (I know some things but she's just making things petty at this point) and talk about how she is better at the game than me and that I "kinda suck." Obviously this doesn't get to me at all bc its just some game, but it really shows one of her not so good traits. She thinks that I have low standards and that nothing ever gets to me or makes me upset, I just am selective with who I show my feelings to, I would never tell her if something she said made me truly sad. We both aren't good at comforting one another when we're upset and we know this, to avoid things being awkward we just don't talk about it I guess?? She is rather shy but has a strong personality, things have to be her way and it doesn't go well when I have a different opinion. When she talks about controversial opinions or is hating on someone I just smile and nod at this point, I don't answer much if she ever does call because we sit in silence on the phone either way. She'll do this and then "brag" about how she stayed up til 8am on the phone with our other friend,, the one I guess you'll read about next. It just bugs me when she even mentions them because I am the jealous type, and hearing about them doing anything together without me makes me wish I were her SO BADD DAMMN. I seem like the kind of toxic one with this jealous feeling, but I can't control it. Alongside this, I've liked a friend of mine for almost two years, I don't think it'll stop as long as I'm in contact with them. It started in 8th grade, I would follow them around and we talked a lot, even writing raps in the bathroom together and laughed together. What hit the hardest for me was when they said they were moving away. Literally cried in the bathroom we would hang out together in after it really set in that they wouldn't be there anymore. I feel like I'm delusional when they say things that could hint anything about them liking me, but at least they talk to me at all. They send me slime videos really often because they know those make me happy, and it makes me feel as loved as EVERR , I had a dream last night that I confessed to them over discord and was kind of rude about it as well, or I wasn't typing as I normally would. I was giving one word responses with no emojis and questioned why they wouldn't date me many times. They said that this was their breaking point and that they never liked me at all from the beginning and only did because other people did and that they found me annoying. They said they'd give me thirty seconds to say why they shouldn't block me but I don't type fast enough,,, they blocked me,, on everything. Waking up after that I was so distressed and kinda shaking, thinking about them hating me hurts so much, I think I'm just so scared of losing them. Even checked my discord pms to make sure it was a dream PFF. I would do anything to please the people I love and make them laugh or smile. I'm just especially scared because my best friend, the person I talked about in the beginning, has a crush on them too... I haven't said a word about this crush to my friend, I care too much about her feelings, but she has spoke MOUNTAINS to me about hers on this person. I even hyped her up when she was confessing to them with a joke pick up line. Something wack like "BTS, more like be my girlfriend." What's even worse was I was like their message relayer. The person we both had a crush on messaged me about what my friend said and asked for advice on how to let her down easy and not hurt her feelings,,I was selfishly happy but just told them that I don't know much about relationships and to be gentle and not give her false hope. I'm a good friend and would never tell them to say anything bad, and this whole time my friend is messaging me what they are saying. They didn't know that the whole time I was talking to both of them,, and they never will SHHH. We are all a friend group now but I can't help the feelings I have for them. I don't want to hurt either of my friends, but i'm just so scared of losing em. UGHHHHHH it sucks that SORRY THAT THIS STORY WAS LONG AND IRRELEVANT BUT I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO TALK TO HH
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Hello. Are we litterally the same people? Cause I relate so much