i always somehow convince myself that everyone even my closest friends don’t actually like me and end up pushing them away before they can
ive never kept a best friend. i always somehow lose them and i feel soso alone sometimes.
like ik theres ppl that actually like me n they’re such genuine ppl like im aware but when they try to talk to me i think i just get anxious and start overthinking n i convince myself into thinking they’re talking to me outta pity or sum.
even with online friends i get so anxious to reply to them n i end up ghosting them, not cos ion like them but cos im anxious to reply n i keep procrastinating til it becomes days, months. but when i look back on it it literally would’ve only taken a word or two to just reply to them but in the moment i overthink so much and i feel the need to write up the PERFECT response n i never actually send it cos it gets so overwhelming. idk i have super bad social anxiety issues im super quiet and i hate that ab myself its prolly one of my biggest insecurities. like the past school yr i was literally MUTE. sometimes the first word i say the whole entire day would be at like 3pm once school ended n i was talking to my sister. i feel like it was rly bad for my mental health tbh i felt so numb n alone ig cos i realized literally no one at school knew me well at all. ya sure i had a small amount of friends but i always felt fake around them and they all have their own friend groups. no one considers me as their best friend. knowing that genuinely hurts so bad. cos im rly bad at talking to other ppl ab my feelings n i bottle everything up inside me n i jus rlyrly want someone that im super comfortable with that i trust w my entire heart to talk to, have deep convos, stupid convos, someone that understands me, knows the little details ab me, knows how to comfort me, knows how to make me laugh. i would do anything to find someone like that. it hurts so bad cos i feel so insignificant but im so good at hiding my emotions literally no one knows this ab me. idk this jus turned into a rant but hopefully someone can kinda relate