hi. i’m sharing on this because for as long as i can remember, i’ve been different from others. like growing up my family has always been a show family performing and dancing and singing but i have huge stage fright so i was always the judge in the family competitions lol. i guess it’s always been like that for me u know, the peacemaker or something like that never really the main character just a friend that u can turn to for anything at all because people just expect me not to have an opinion. well fast forward to right now and i’ve never felt this lost, i became so antisocial that i go days without replying which is a lot for me. most days i’m only excited about night time because i can finally be alone, i know i was already alone but even more so. for a while now i’ve been feeling distant from my friends, like being around them made me so uncomfortable and i’ve known them for years. maybe it’s because they moved schools so it’s different now? i actually used to have a good friends group but most of them left to a better school and they’ve gotten really popular there. i don’t want to sound cocky but in my school when we were still friends we were seen as “popular” or “well known” because we were friends with popular people from that school, but now since i don’t see them all the time i feel like i don’t know how to act around them, like in february i hung out with them over the weekend and i just wanted to go home the whole time i felt so much anxiety idek why i just know i didn’t want to be there and it’s gotten worse because now it’s with everyone not just them so i’ve started to barely ever leave my room and i’ve gotten super isolated that i’m starting to live in my own fantasy world which is really weird. ig it’s just kinda hard living in a home full of extroverts and being the only introvert. my parents dont really understand me but that’s normal i guess i’ve struggled with mental health in the past so they kinda tried to fix me but that therapist was judgy and mean so i haven’t gotten help in years i’m starting to think i’m going crazy or something i just want to know what’s wrong with me so i can fix it but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and i’m just dramatic? i’m doubting myself but i’m relying on my knowledge and trying to learn more because analyzing and learning new things helps me understand the world around me because i’m not very good with emotions honestly, people always ask me why i look so emotionless and tbh maybe that’s why i’m so good at lying because hiding my feelings is fairly easy for me but that’s not really a good thing since ur emotions can reflect on ur relationships with others and when i fake my feelings i fear i’m making the wrong choice and if only i had done this differently maybe it would’ve worked out? idk honestly but i’m used to it i’ve been called every name possible “heartless” “cold” “robot” “inhuman” but it doesn’t get to me, part of me is glad i can’t express my feelings bc lying is so much easier but i also wish i was normal so i didn’t feel so numb yk? like every day seems more like a chore than my life, all we do anyway is work so we can keep living so we can keep working and i guess for family and stuff but i’m not close with my family you’d expect me to be since i grew up in a large family basically together all the time but i just don’t feel attached to them don’t get me wrong tho i do love them ig but if like my aunt were to die i probably wouldn’t cry. and i have really high standards and ive never even had a boyfriend plus people make me uncomfy anyway i need my space and privacy so maybe marriage isn’t for me. but i feel like i’ve gotten better bc i took an mbti (personality type) quiz and i got INTJ and now i kinda understand myself more. btw i like this website since i don’t have anyone to talk to this is cool