i just need to get my thoughts outta my head bc i’m so tired. i’m going thru a really bad depressive episode and attempted suicide once. i feel so alone and i cry myself to sleep every night bc everything just hurts. i’ve relapsed twice already, the only promise i had w my gf and i keep breaking it. i’m so tired. idk what to do. what i was using and doing to cope don’t work anymore and i’m just so lost and alone. i genuinely feel like no one likes me. i always get ignored. to the point where i stop talking completely. my feelings get pushed to the side by everyone, even my best friend. she says she’ll check up on me more often, she says she has her ringer on, she says she’ll be there whenever i need, she says she cares ab me. but does she really. i understand that she’s happy now, with her bf and stuff. but i’m hurting really bad and it’s getting worse and worse every day. i just need someone. i need someone to ask me how my day was, if i ate or drank water, how i’m doing, if i got outta bed, things like that. really the last time someone asked me those questions were months ago. by someone i can’t talk to now, my gf. she made me feel happy and worthy, she would always be there for me and ask ab me. but since her mom doesn’t support our relationship, it’s been really hard to keep in touch w her. we haven’t talked for weeks. and ik this might sound selfish but i hate seeing my best friend going out, hanging out, talking to each other everyday w her bf, bc i can’t have that. and i honestly don’t know when i can. it hurts so much. i miss her so much. i write her little notes and letters almost every night just to feel like i’m texting her, but i haven’t done that in a week im so unmotivated. and i best myself up for it. i’m too unmotivated to do anything other than lay in bed all day on my phone doing nothing. today i got forced outta bed, my mom made me work out w her today, and honestly i was in a good mood today for the first time in months. but as soon as i got in bed i burst out crying. all the thoughts that were being held back all day just suddenly came rushing into my mind. and i’ve been crying for hours already. i’m hurting so bad. i wish i had friends. friends who actually care. i wish ppl weren’t so cruel, i wanna see n talk to my gf. i wish my mom would notice that i’m in pain. i wish i was at peace w myself. i wish i wasn’t so broken. i hate waking up and seeing my puffy eyes, greasy skin, messy hair, unhealthy body. i hate it i hate it so much. i wish someone would just they’re proud of me, i wish someone would say they care ab me, i wish someone would say that i’m doing okay, i wish someone would say that every things gonna be just fine. bc i’m losing myself everyday. i don’t have many friends not even on social media. i just get pushed away. i’m so anxious and scared to make new friends. i think it’s bc i’ve already tried so many times but i always end up getting pushed away, or ignored or forgotten. then i get really insecure ab myself, aside from how i look like and stuff. i get insecure ab my voice, my personality, the way i say certain words, the way i stutter when i feel confident in talking, the way i speak too quiet or too loud, all that. and it just makes me shut down. i remember one time it was so bad i didn’t talk to anyone for a whole month. i didn’t go to class for a whole month. i hate feeling like this. i just need a break. having depression, anxiety, other struggles really fucking suck. even th smallest things irritate me. i feel like such a disappointment bc i get mad at my siblings over small things i give my mom attitude over small things i kick things i hit things and for what. i’m so tired of it. sometimes i think ab suicide and how my families reactions would be like. and i know it’ll hurt them really bad, but i can’t stop thinking ab it. i feel so selfish bc ppl don’t even the choice to live and i’m just over here planning, writing final notes, going to the spot. i never go thru w it tho. too much of a coward, i let my anxiety get th best of me and end up having a panic attack right there on the spot. i’m just so tired. i wanna be happy, i mama be confident in my body and personality, i wanna show affection to my family, i wanna stop self harming, i wanna stop having bad thoughts, i wanna stop crying every night, i just wanna be happy again....
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