my birthday is coming up in 3 days, and i can't help but think that no one will remember it. i feel like the only people that will care are my parents because they are forced to. i don't know how to not think this because i know that it is not true (one of my friends wanted to do something with me). the only reason why i think this way is because of reddit (i know it's really dumb lol). on the subreddit that i'm on most people are friends and will talk to their friends in the comment section of my post. it makes me think that i will never have friends like that, or that no one will care about me the way that they care about their friends. it's not their fault of course, because i could reach out to them. and i would do that, but i don't think a lot of people like me, and would want to talk to me. i know i shouldn't be sad about random people on the internet, but it does. i really should get off of their, but sometimes i continue to look at things that make me feel bad. (example: looking at pretty people makes me feel terrible, but i still do it.) i don't know why i do that. sometimes i say things on there just so someone will say something about their friend. (that doesn't really make sense so here's an example: i'll say "what's the best thing about your best friend?" then they'll respond and answer that. and since i don't have a beset friend it will make me feel bad) i feel bad for doing things like that. i really want more friends especially online, but i don't think i have what it takes to start a conversation. and plus i don't think people will like me that much. people say that they like funny people so i try to be funny. but online i really can't do that. and in real life i have friends, but i can never talk to them about the way that i feel about myself. i know that they would judge me and tell someone else that. i also wanna tell them that i'm bi, but i know that they will make fun of me the same way they did to someone else. and when i do kinda make online friends they're always from omegle. and they're always racist and say the n word and stuff (i'm black btw.) also i have insecurities about my looks. especially my skin color. i feel like no one ever finds black girls attractive. even my own race doesn't like us. and people always say things about it being a preference and "why are you mad over a preference". but just imagine everybody saying that they don't prefer you. and no one ever preferring you. it makes you feel like shit. especially when black boys say it. also a dumb thing that makes me feel insecure is when people say that they like to run their hand through their girlfriends hair. i know it sounds really dumb, but it always makes me feel bad about my hair because it's not straight. i always see people talking down about black women, and even people in my own family. i hate the black women are strong trop, because that makes other people think that black women are invincible and can't be sad over anything. some days i wish i was white or asian or have light skin and loose curls and i feel so bad about thinking that. i also hate my thighs and face, but that's a whole other story. if you read this far, thank you so much for taking time out of your day :)
top of page
bottom of page