I am currently back in school, nice i guess. i think i maybe like my friend but shes a girl and i don't think she likes girls plus shes getting into a relationship with a guy i'm guessing pretty soon so not happening. i'm ok in my classes but not really, everyone scores either a 100% on things or below a 50%, i usually score like 80-95% which is disappointing for me and my parents don't like it that much either but act like they don't care. i just wish i could be good at 1 thing like that thing will be my thing, but nothing works, i'm not the best at art, i'm not great at acting or singing, i'm not good at dancing or sports, i'm just ok. ok for everythin. everyone is getting into a relationship nowadays but like, i can't even manage to talk to people other than my friends without sweating hahah. it shouldn't be funny tho, it seems like everyone has gained a love interest and i'm just there. i think half the people forget i exist haha. i thought i mightve liked a guy or like he may have had an interest towards me but my friends act sarcastically towards me about him, i don't think they believe i can get into a relationship. they ignore me whenever i saw anything about the guy whenever i do, and start speaking about the guys they're talking to. i'm happy for them, they do deserve the best for helping me out throughout the years but i don't think they take me seriously. Everyday feels like a tiring long episode of a show no one wants to watch, i can even remember half the things i do in a day, i zone out often. i've been wanting to tell my friends something on my mind but i don't know how they'll react, last time i spoke about my mental health they ignored it except one friend who simply put a "😟" emoji and they continued with the conversation. I was honestly on my last straw back then and i was going to maybe end it all at that moment but i just deleted the message and went to bed. I havent and maybe don't want to talk to anyone about this, my parents don't ever want me to talk to professional help, i was maybe 7 when i last went to a clinic or hospita, they tell me to talk to them but last time i told my thoughts they said i was being selfish and everyone would die for your life. if i talk to a school counselor or like someone at school i'm scared they'll tell my parents or tell other people so i don't really want to talk to anyone, it's not willingly but i don't want anyone to have that burden over them. i also don't want to tell my friends because they seem happy and why should their happiness be weighed down by me being unhappy? i don't mind, i don't think they care anyway. sorry for venting again on here but this is one of my only ways of coping
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