hi. i feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this anymore.. my friends just block it out and I’m not important to my family, so here’s my story. as a kid my father was still around, but he was severely abusive and almost killed my siblings and I on multiple occasions. this got taken to court yes, but since he is a cop (acab) he got no charges. I never knew anything was wrong with that. I remember the last time I saw him, I took a picture of him on a camera that I got for my birthday, and after I found out he left I stared at it for weeks and cried my eyes out. my father leaving was one of the best and worse things that happened in my life. the trauma made me begin to be suicidal in 3rd grade , but that’s just the beginning. fast forward to 5th grade and I was molested by a family member. That has given me ptsd since it happened. I wake up crying and screaming sometimes because I feel like he’s here. I just told my family about this last year, which helped a lot, but I chose not to press charges because I feel like I couldn’t stand seeing him again. Since my suicidal tendencies started, they never really stopped. I went into a mental hospital in 6th grade, but that only made my situation worse. At the time I was feeling suicidal because of how my mom treated me. She would constantly tell me I’m worthless and that I wasn’t good enough, but I tried the best I could, it was just never good enough. Ever since I told her she made me suicidal she has had a strong hatred for me.. like i ruined our relationship. We would be so much better if she could just help me heal. Recently she told me that she would rather blow her brains out than continue to parent me. She literally started pointing her gun at her head threatening to do it. She said this because I put a pan away in the wrong spot. And my sister just protects her. “Well if you would have just put it away right she wouldn’t have HAD to say that.”. Like no. She could have just asked me to put it away in the right spot, and everything would have been fine. That night I tried to kill myself , for the 9th time. I just don’t understand why it has to be like this. why Im not enough. Everyone in my house constantly puts me down. I’ve been done with it and I’m just waiting for my attempts to work. I also have bad anxiety. If I unexpectedly go somewhere and I don’t like how I think I look good, I will start to have a panic attack and start crying. Then my family starts to scream at me which just makes it worse. I tried to explain to them that I can’t control it, but they’re too ignorant. I cant stand it.
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you’re stronger than u know darling 💗
Hi I just want to say that you are really strong. Keep holding on. i understand how you feel. here’s my Instagram @monaj0822. DM if you wanna talk Because I will listen.