On March 24th I opened up to my therapist about my self harm. I was almost two months clean at the time, which I thought was enough to bypass the part of the patient confidentiality policy that stated she would have to tell my parents if I'm in danger from hurting myself. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I was forced to tell my mom about my cutting, which was really hard. My therapist was the only person I had ever told, and now I had to unwillingly tell another person. Even though it hurt, I've made a lot of progress since. I'm almost five months clean and I've managed to narrowly miss multiple close calls. I've had urges, and some really hard moments, but I've been exploring other ways to cope. For instance, I go on walks and scream into my pillow. And a few days ago I tried something new: doing as many crunches as I could. It allowed me to feel physical pain without harming myself, and it felt good. Yesterday when I was really upset and wanted to cut I cut into a magazine instead, beause I really missed the feeling of the razor blade in my hand and slicing something. It helped me not cut myself. Unfortunately, I've also indulged in coping mechanisms that I feel a bit guilty about, like looking at pictures of other people's cuts online. Even though it feels a bit wrong, It's relieving and helps satisfy me a bit since I can't cut myself.
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