ever since quarantine started i noticed my friends talking to me less until soon enough they stopped. i tried to reconnect with them and tried my hardest to stay friends because i didn’t want to lose them but i was the only one putting in any effort. soon enough i had lost many of my friends and even if most were online friends, i still cared for them so much and missed them and sometimes i still do. every time i make a friend even an online friend i get comfortable kinda fast (oversharing and bonding over trauma tings 🥰) and then they leave or i ruin the friendship. i have bad depressive episodes from time to time so i often forget to text people back for days or even a few weeks but i still try to let them know beforehand so they don’t hate me but i guess having a friend who can’t always be there 24/7 isn’t something many like. i’ve also had my fair share of toxic friends ever since i was a kid so it’s become so common for me that i often don’t even realize when i’m in a toxic friendship or relationship. at this point i’m a bit scared to make new friends, because i don’t want to find someone i like and want to be close to and then suddenly mess it all so whenever someone wants to be my friend i sometimes freak out and ghost them by accident even if i don’t meant to. i think i’m so used to sacrificing myself to be there for others that sometimes i forget that i don’t have someone who would even put in 5% of the same effort i would. i’m always open to new friends but nowadays i have two left and even now i can feel them distancing themselves away from me especially since they have their own friend groups that i’m not included in. i like being alone but loneliness can be the worst feeling ever especially when you’re stuck at home 24/7 due to covid.