i was assaulted/molested as a kid and i’ve never really told anyone close to me except for one of my friends. i keep getting flashbacks and i’m scared that my brain is playing a joke on me. my brain keeps trying to convince me that nothing like that happened and that i’m making it up for attention but i’ve only told two people and it took me a long time to tell them because i wanted to remember as much as i could so i’d be sure. i hate the fact that some parts of my memory are hazy. i’ve gotten flashbacks and i recall most of it but what if i’m actually making some parts of it up? i feel like i’m spiraling and feeling like this hurts so much. i feel like i’m ruining the person’s life or ruining their image when in reality they ruined my childhood. i haven’t even told my family about it so it’s not like i’ve tainted anyone’s image or ruined that person’s life. i hate the fact that my own thoughts are invalidating what happened to me. i keep invalidating everything that happened and my feelings because i’m scared that i’m making some stuff up. i wish i could get most of my memories back because even if they’d be painful at least i’d be able to get proper help, but my brain has blocked out most of the traumatic memories from my childhood and i only remember bits and pieces. i’ve already had a panic attack over this and i can’t stop thinking about it, i feel like my own brain is betraying me. i know none of this is for attention because barely anyone knows so i hate not knowing the full truth of what happened to me.
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